Christmas list?

My husband asked me what I wanted for Christmas. The first things I thought of were a Bible with the Apocrypha in it and/or one of my favorite party games. Of course, we’d actually have to have *parties* in order to play said game, but that’s something else entirely. Well, sort of. I can think of a few things I’d like, but I don’t think they would be something he could give me. For instance:

-he can’t give me my brain back. One thing I hate to no end is that I feel like I am ‘slipping’…everyone else ‘gets’ things that I don’t, and I keep missing and forgetting things. I don’t want to immediately say it’s because of my bipolar and/or ADHD, but that’s probably the most likely scenario. My doctors have told me that it affects the way I think; I test lower on IQ tests than I did before because my brain works differently (well, assuming it works at all ). Seriously.  I’ve been told over and over again that I ‘don’t think’ or whatnot, but that’s not true at all. I *do* think, I just tend to think so fast that nothing really ‘sticks’. My last few employers-you know, the two jobs I was fired from in two weeks-can attest to that. It’s just so frustrating, because I feel like everyone else is smarter than me and understands everything much better…maybe this is true, but maybe I’m just *different*, not any less or any more. I don’t know.

-he can’t help me lose weight. Well, maybe he can in terms of eating more vegetables and less fatty stuff, but he can’t exercise for me or stop me from liking things like soda and cookies.  I feel like I’ve nagged him enough about that in terms of getting him to buy veggies and fruit for produce, although truth be told I really don’t push anywhere near as much as I could.  Still, I know that money has been really tight for us and that he feels like the stuff we can afford is often the stuff that’s really the worst for us.  He doesn’t say it like that, but that tends to be what it comes out to. That’s not completely true, and at least we’ve been getting more canned veggies. It’s just up to me to actually *eat* them, or to choose them over other stuff when I have a choice.

-he can’t help me get motivated to do, well, anything. I have so many projects I’ve started that I haven’t finished and don’t really know if I will. A children’s book, a novel of sorts, a few other writing projects…at least I’ve had some stories published, although they haven’t sold yet and *ahem* aren’t the type of stories you let your dad read.  I have a couple of tabs open in my browser right now for things I keep meaning to read, but somehow never really get around to it because I’m so easily distracted.  Maybe at some point I’ll stop playing Facebook games long enough to read the stuff I’m supposed to read on Beliefnet for my job, and then read and write on the forum I actually get paid for, and then….oops, got distracted again.

-he can’t get me to stand up for myself the way I need to.

-he can’t ward off my depression or make other people do stuff with us. They have their own lives and I totally appreciate that, but sometimes I just get bored with the same old thing. Boredom often leads to depression with me, and money is a huge part of why we don’t get out as much as before. At least we’ve been able to do more since we got our mortgage refinanced and I’ve been doing more stuff at church. Which leads me to my next point:

-we already do what we can for money and saving, although it’s really, really hard to save anything because of how much debt we’ve had because of my accident and illnesses. He can’t make me feel less uncomfortable when the subject of money is brought up among others, even if it’s not mentioned by name.  At least it’s not mentioned often, since most people we know are in similar financial positions.  It’s when I hear people who are (in my opinion) better off than we are complain about not being able to afford the next tech toy that I want to throw something.  He can’t change the past, which is ultimately what it would take for our money issues to be solved.

That’s just it. He can’t change the past. I know he would if he could, though.  The only thing that can be done is to get to be more comfortable and content with the way things are and to try and improve things from there, but that’s something I have to do for myself. I have to ask God to help me with that every day, if I remember. That’s really sad, ‘if I remember’, but the point is that he can’t do it for me because it’s not *for* him to do. It’s for me, with God’s help.

*sigh*

Maybe I should just stick with new jeans and some bras to replace the ones I can’t wear anymore. That would require a lot less explanation.

Don’t ask…

I put this up on another website I’ve been blogging for called Skirt!. It’s a rap song I wrote for a guy a looooong time ago that I’ve remembered a lot lately for some reason…no idea why, or how I can remember the words to a song I wrote at 16 and never performed but forget the name of someone I met a few minutes ago. Anyway, here it is. Warning…it’s reeaaaallly bad, done that way on purpose for comic effect!

Hey you, over there

Ya know you’re looking mighty fine

With those big green eyes

And that really great behind

Ya know I’d like to date ya

Cause you’re really outta sight

And I’m tellin’ ya now,

I won’t go down without a fight

But you keep puttin’ me off

Won’t give me the time of day

And to you, boy

This is all I gotta say

(chorus)

What’s up with you

What’s goin’ on in your mind

What’s up with you

Ya know, I’d like to take the time

To get to know ya, boy

How ’bout lettin’ me inside?

So what’s up with you

Don’t make wantin’ you a crime

So what’s goin’ on in the back of your mind

I think together, we’d have a real good time

We could wine and dine, and dance ’til dawn

And mow our names into the neighbor’s lawn*

(Now I don’t remember the next two lines

What do you expect, it’s been a long time)

What I’m tryin’ to say is, I want you bad

And I know I can’t rhyme, so cut me some slack

But ya gotta admit, this has been a little fun

And now just thank God that I’m almost done

(AAAAAARRRRGGH I hate formatting…especially when it screws up when pasting)

We never ended up performing this, which is a good thing…:)  On the part with the ‘*’, I thought having one person jut in with, “and paint the living room carpet’ completely out of tune, and the rest of us would just look at her funny and then keep going.  Silly, I know…

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In honor of Epiphany, here’s a bit of fun that also contains a bit of truth. I was in church yesterday when I thought of this cartoon, specifically the first part. It’s from a series of Saturday Night Live cartoons called ‘Saturday TV Funhouse’. I’m a pretty big SNL fan, and have been for a long time; this was IMO one of the funnier running sketches. You’ll have to go to the site linked to see it, though, as I’m not able to upload video from that site and I couldn’t find this on YouTube. Enjoy!

Fun With Real Audio-Jesus and Christmas