The Darkness Within

There have been a lot of really messy things in my life, things I can’t always explain. Sometimes I feel as though my own heart, my own mind is taking revenge on me. I’ve been relatively lucky, but sometimes it is hard for me to see that. I have an illness-bipolar disorder-that can make me feel as though there were something else inside of me, controlling my thoughts and actions. An ex once told me it was a ‘demon’ or ‘spirit’…I would normally say he’s full of shit, and I still think he is, but the truth is that it can sometimes feel as though he is right. He doesn’t understand this, and probably never will. I can read all the self-help books in the world, can spend hours in prayer, do all the things that work for everyone else…but because of my biology, it doesn’t always help. I’ve had some form of depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember, but I thought it was just normal pubescent angst or a weakness on my part. As positive and friendly as I usually am, medication has been my saving grace. Surely there is some reason God is allowing me to have all this…but damned if I can figure out what it is sometimes. People give me advice, and I appreciate their concern. There are just some things that people-however well meaning they might be-simply won’t understand until they have been there themselves.

Sometimes, though, I hear something that speaks to me…that tells me, this person knows what’s in my head. This person has ‘been there’…

I love Nine Inch Nails* for this very reason…listening to Trent Reznor can be very cathartic. Anyone who writes like this just knows:

Hurt

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real

The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

(Chorus)

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liars chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair

Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

(Chorus)

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I will keep myself
I will find a way

Johnny Cash did a cover of this song a while back…his voice just fits so well…

And as if that wasn’t dark enough:

Something I Can Never Have

I still recall the taste of your tears.
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
Scraping through my head ’till I don’t want to sleep anymore.

[Chorus:]
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I’m down to just one thing.
And I’m starting to scare myself.
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have

You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn’t do the things that I can do now.
This thing is slowly taking me apart.
Grey would be the color if I had a heart.

Come on tell me

[Chorus]

In this place it seems like such a shame.
Though it all looks different now,
I know it’s still the same
Everywhere I look you’re all I see.
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be.

[Chorus]

I just want something I can never have

I’m not quite as dramatic as all that, but it is a strange comfort to me to have this sort of thing to refer to,  if only for inspiration for my own (crappy) writing.

*More lyrics can be found here: http://www.azlyrics.com/n/nine.html

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