I put this up on another website I’ve been blogging for called Skirt!. It’s a rap song I wrote for a guy a looooong time ago that I’ve remembered a lot lately for some reason…no idea why, or how I can remember the words to a song I wrote at 16 and never performed but forget the name of someone I met a few minutes ago. Anyway, here it is. Warning…it’s reeaaaallly bad, done that way on purpose for comic effect!
Hey you, over there
Ya know you’re looking mighty fine
With those big green eyes
And that really great behind
Ya know I’d like to date ya
Cause you’re really outta sight
And I’m tellin’ ya now,
I won’t go down without a fight
But you keep puttin’ me off
Won’t give me the time of day
And to you, boy
This is all I gotta say
(chorus)
What’s up with you
What’s goin’ on in your mind
What’s up with you
Ya know, I’d like to take the time
To get to know ya, boy
How ’bout lettin’ me inside?
So what’s up with you
Don’t make wantin’ you a crime
So what’s goin’ on in the back of your mind
I think together, we’d have a real good time
We could wine and dine, and dance ’til dawn
And mow our names into the neighbor’s lawn*
(Now I don’t remember the next two lines
What do you expect, it’s been a long time)
What I’m tryin’ to say is, I want you bad
And I know I can’t rhyme, so cut me some slack
But ya gotta admit, this has been a little fun
And now just thank God that I’m almost done
(AAAAAARRRRGGH I hate formatting…especially when it screws up when pasting)
We never ended up performing this, which is a good thing…:) On the part with the ‘*’, I thought having one person jut in with, “and paint the living room carpet’ completely out of tune, and the rest of us would just look at her funny and then keep going. Silly, I know…
In case anyone cares, Robertson is a televangelist who hosts a show called ‘the 700 Club’ . The show is on Trinity Broadcasting Network, a Christian television network that seems to me to cater exclusively to the fundamentalist/evangelical set…if you’ve never heard of either, you’re not missing anything. My ex watched that all the time, and even though we broke up in 2003, my eyes are still rolling and my esophagus is still recovering from the excessive vomiting. I’m not saying all f/e-s are like Robertson, but he’s been doing this show for so long that a case can be made that he is losing whatever mind he’s ever had. But I digress. I’m sure he’s done some good, somewhere…I like to think we all have capacity for good, anyway…I’m trying to see all people as children of God just like me, but sometimes it’s pretty hard…
Either way, I found this ‘response’ from Satan that I just *had* to share:
Dear Pat Robertson,
I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I’m all over that action.
But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I’m no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.
Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth — glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven’t you seen “Crossroads”? Or “Damn Yankees”?
If I had a thing going with Haiti, there’d be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox — that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it — I’m just saying: Not how I roll.
You’re doing great work, Pat, and I don’t want to clip your wings — just, come on, you’re making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That’s working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.
Okay, so I used the tagline from one of the worst tabloid rags of my generation. Sue me.
I seem to always be asking questions. Whether this is a blessing or a curse, a good thing or bad thing depends on who you ask. I’ve managed to infuriate many a professor or preacher without really meaning to. Anyway, I’m bored and I have a blog and you don’t, so you are going to listen to everything I have to say. Here goes:
-I wonder if cats can be trained to do household chores. Slater likes to ‘knead’ so much, I wonder if he can be trained to do that on our backs on command. Maybe then he’ll actually earn his keep. Yeah, right, and I’m a supermodel.
-I wonder if I’m ever going to get my hip fixed, or if I should even try right now. I’ll just have to get the replacement replaced in about 20 years anyway, but that actually isn’t a huge problem. In a sense I really want to but I don’t know if it’s ever going to be a ‘good time’ with money and all that. So I’m afraid to get my hopes up and then have them dashed again. One reason I want it is because I can’t have kids until I do, but to be honest I wonder if that’s even a consideration. I’m not going to explain one of the other reasons…let’s just say I lost a lot of the motion in the left hip, and leave it at that.
-I wonder if I’m ever going to get this song out of my head:
-On the tip of #2 , I wonder if the fact that I am 32 and my ‘biological clock’ isn’t ticking at a deafening volume like those of my friends is God’s way of preparing me for not having kids, or telling me that it’s not the best idea. I’m probably overthinking, but I’m concerned about the bipolar causing problems. It’s not so much about passing it on, although that is a very distinct possibility, especially since it’s on my husband’s side of the family too. No, it’s more about not being able to get through the pregnancy without meds or possibly not being a good parent because I’m too busy throwing things at my reflection in the mirror because my husband and I can’t afford our meds and stuff for the kid too. Most of the time I don’t really ‘act mental’…in fact, my brother-in-law says he’d never have guessed that I even *have* bipolar, I seem so even-headed. *laugh* If he only knew…:) Seriously, it doesn’t usually run my life but I can’t plan on that, especially during a pregnancy. We talk about adoption, but I’m not sure that would be much better, or if the state would even *let* me adopt. We shall see.
-I wonder what I’d look like with a shaved head.
-I wonder what I did to deserve such a good husband, or what he did to deserve being saddled to me for life.
-I wonder if I’m ever going to get past this obsession I have with being clean and thinking I have body odor when my husband, friends, mother, and even doctors have been telling me I don’t. Oh well, there are worse things to be obsessed with than bathing, like Italian sausages and celebrity plastic surgery.
-I’m still trying to figure out why I should care about things like which actor’s dating who or what perfume the president’s wife’s former roommate is wearing. This is an exaggeration, but not much of one. I guess I should be happy that things are boring enough to where this stuff is all the news networks have to run, but all this reality-tv, celebutaunt stuff is making me wish for better days…like the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky scandal. At least one person involved in that was intelligent, if only for knowing not to inhale.
-I wonder if I am ever going to work full-time again, or bring in a regular income that isn’t from the government.
-I wonder if it’s possible to walk a cat on a leash.
-I wonder what my husband would look like in a tutu.
-I wonder what people from high school and college think about how I turned out, or if I should care.
-I wonder if there’s any correlation in the facts that I have a long line of overweight alcoholics in my family and that we share our name with popular brands of Scotch and shortbread cookies.
-I wonder if I will ever get to where I don’t feel like I have to fill the silence with random stupid crap.
-I wonder if I’ll be alive to see which Nostradamus predictions and Armageddon/End-Times scenarios turn out to be true.
-I’m sure I have some sort of purpose on this planet, but I wonder if I’ll ever figure out what it is.
And, the most important question of all-
-I wonder if I’ll ever figure out that a person with hypoglycemia should take a break to eat before getting involved in a project so that she doesn’t have to suck down yogurt and sweet tea at midnight so she doesn’t feel like the room is spinning. If you notice me getting bitchier as this post goes on, that’s why. Yeah, that’s my story, I’m sticking to it.
And on that note…
I’d welcome any answers you have, or further questions…even flame mail would do. I’m still sober, I can take it.
And now I am going to shut up for a moment and line the catbox with the previously-mentioned tabloid. I’m not sure what smells worse, the trash in the box or the trash on the pages. Maybe by this time next year I’ll have figured it out. Later!
Spending obscene amounts of time on the internet and having no life isn’t as easy as it looks. It’s pretty hard work, sorting through all of the insanely funny, random videos to find those worth sharing with your friends. Here are the fruits of this past weekend’s search…
Oh, and, for those who have…what’s the word…jobs, these are not safe for work.
These are from a hidden-camera show from Australia called The Chaser’s War On Everything. If I had my own show, this is what it would be like.
Now, come on, you can’t tell me you’ve never wished you had one of these things! Pedestrian Rage
I *so* want to write a ticket to my ex-boyfriend for being such a jerk…how much should I fine him? The cost of the therapy sessions? Wanker number plates
Actually, maybe I should just have him join this gang, God knows he needs to: The Bra Boys
And now for something completely different:
Parody of the ‘Snuggie’ blanket, as if the name wasn’t comical enough: WTF Blanket
The perfect gift for that aunt no one really likes, but pretends to because she’s loaded: Scam-WOW!!!
Come on, we can’t all be gangstas with bling. A rap song for the rest of us: Everyday Normal Guy
I’m a bit bored today and can’t think of anything else to write, so I thought I would share some of my favorite quotes.
“I have three things I’d like to say today. First, while you were sleeping last night, 30,000 kids died of starvation or diseases related to malnutrition. Second, most of you don’t give a shit. What’s worse is that you’re more upset with the fact that I said shit than the fact that 30,000 kids died last night.” – Tony Campolo…author, speaker, activist and Baptist pastor
“You can safely assume that you’ve created God in your own image, when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.” – Ann Lamott
“I once shot a man just to watch him die. Then I got distracted and missed it.” – Kids in the Hall
“There’s probably no One True Church. Now stop worrying and enjoy serving God.”- My friend Veronica Zundel, in response to an advertisement for atheism
“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” – Helen Keller
“Dear enemy-may the Lord hate you and all your kind, may you be turned orange in hue, and may your head fall off at an awkward moment.” – Edmund, BlackAdder
“Preach the gospel, always. If necessary, use words.” – St. Francis
“They could build monuments to your self-centeredness.” -’Wilson’, House
“The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, and walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.” – Brennan Manning
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” – Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.
“You are the son of a clerk, I am the son of a count. I’m not supposed to want to be you.” – The Count of Monte Christo
“What the world needs now is another folk singer, like I need a hole in my head.” – Cracker
“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”says the Lord. On the contrary:
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” – Romans 12:17-21
“Go sell crazy someplace else. We’re all stocked up here.” - As Good As It Gets
“And we know that God causes everything to come together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.” – Romans 8:28
“In the essentials, unity; in the non-essentials, liberty; in all things, love.” – St. Augustine
“Every time I come to this city, some guy picks me up at the bus station, takes me to a Leafs game, gets me pissed, and then tries to blow me. Why can’t people like me for me?” – Kids in the Hall
“People who speak in metaphor should shampoo my crotch.” - As Good As It Gets
“Get busy living, or get busy dying’. – The Shawshank Redemption
I’m too lazy to write anything that is actually worth reading, so I’m just going to cheat and post some random silly links. To make it up to you, I’ll try my hand at some witty comments, but don’t get your hopes up.
You can blame my friend Ross for this one…I got the idea from one of his blog posts!
Here goes:
25 Random things about me.
1. I’m used to people getting my name wrong. Sharon, Shawna, Shane, Sheena…all things I have been called, but none are my name. I’ve even had people see the name before meeting me (profs, etc) and think I was a man! No, I’m not going to tell you my name…
2. I’ve never seen the movie Deliverance. I constantly hear people referencing it in conversation (mostly when talking about freaky Southern redneck people or weird Christians), but I still haven’t seen the movie.
3. I once wrote a rap song for a guy. Seriously. I can still recite part of it from memory. And no, I can’t rap my way out of a plastic bag; that was intentional and part of the fun.
4. The guy I wrote the aforementioned rap song for is now my stepbrother. I guess it’s a good thing I never performed it and nothing really happened between us, huh?
5. I’m 32. I still get carded, though.
6. I have kind of a geek-crush on Seth MacFarlane. Stop laughing.
7. I have bipolar disorder. Looking back I think I had traces of it from the time I was eleven, but I did not get treatment for anything until I was 18, and that was for unipolar depression. I was diagnosed the first time with bipolar in 2000, but only began treatment after a second diagnosis in 2004. I will outline the (incredibly stupid) reason for this a little later.
8. I met my husband at a wedding, and the couple who got married also met at a wedding.
9. I once had purple hair. Seriously. Okay, it was burgundy. That’s still purple!
10. I have no kids, but five cats who think they are kids. Does that count?
11. I can remember stupid, random crap like a conversation I had with my brother when I was 14 or a rap song I wrote for a guy when I was 16, but I can’t remember someone’s name I met ten minutes earlier. I guess I’m getting old.
12. I can’t stand Star Wars. Well, maybe that’s too strong a statement…there’s just something about having something pushed on you that makes you want to push it back!
13. My oldest nephew’s first word was ‘butthead’. Seriously.
14. One of my cats has allergies. I didn’t even know cats could have that. But then, sometimes she acts like she is from another planet, and so this kind of weird stuff shouldn’t surprise me.
15. I hate beer.
16. Slater, get off the counter. Don’t give me any of that ‘meow’ stuff. Just do it!
17. My butt itches.
18. I’ve never been drunk. Yes, really. My sisters tried to get me drunk once when we were in Key West on a cruise, but it didn’t work. I drank them both under the table and then had to help *them* back to the boat! My dad still likes telling that story.
19. I didn’t originally get treatment for bipolar because I was dating a guy whose family believed that all you had to do to be healed from whatever illness you have by having enough faith and ‘believing right’ for it. I wouldn’t normally give this the time of day, but at that point I was ready to try anything. Short version, I tried it their way for a while and thought it worked, but it didn’t, and I got grief for going back on meds. How lovely (heavy sarcasm). Because of that, ‘name it, claim it’ and anything related gives a bad taste in my mouth. Anytime I hear that stuff, I want to throw something wet and squishy at whoever or whatever is saying it. I’m just lucky I haven’t gotten arrested yet.
20. I will get a song in my head and it will stay in my head until I hear something else to replace it. Right now I have the song from one of the ‘Free Credit Report.com’ commercials floating around. AAAARRGGH! Quick, somebody sing something else!
21. I feel like I used to be much sharper and more intelligent before all the bipolar stuff set on. I say ‘before the bipolar’ because I’ve looked back and seen that I wasn’t that way until then. I have a hard time paying attention and thus learning things, and so it makes me feel and look like a total idiot. I have gotten fired from more than one job because of this.
22. I once got bitten by a dog and hit by a car in the same month. Really. I still have the scars. The nurse who cleaned me up before going to the ER after being hit was the same one who had given me one of my rabies shots a few hours before! I wasn’t allowed to leave my dorm room for the next two days without ‘supervision’ as a result.
23. I used to be so shy I could barely talk to people. It’s funny how no one I meet now ever believes me when I say this.
24. I have an ex I wish I could forget. But then, don’t we all?
25. I hated Kill Bill, Vol. 1. I never saw Vol. 2.
Okay, that’s about enough of that. I’d better go get something to eat before I pass out. Later on!
Oh, and, brain bleach is available in the front lobby for anyone who needs it.
Opinionated. Silly. Somewhat cute, depending on who you ask. Cat person. Friendly. Christian, moderate to liberal. Very caring about other people (at least, I try to be). I like to write about things that interest me, and am usually pretty good-humored. I tend to ramble on a bit, just so you know! :)
I *do* want to warn you that I can be hypocritical. I don't always speak or act like a Christian, or even a very nice person. This isn't something I'm proud of, but at least I admit it and try not to be. That's a start, I guess.
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