Christmas list?

My husband asked me what I wanted for Christmas. The first things I thought of were a Bible with the Apocrypha in it and/or one of my favorite party games. Of course, we’d actually have to have *parties* in order to play said game, but that’s something else entirely. Well, sort of. I can think of a few things I’d like, but I don’t think they would be something he could give me. For instance:

-he can’t give me my brain back. One thing I hate to no end is that I feel like I am ‘slipping’…everyone else ‘gets’ things that I don’t, and I keep missing and forgetting things. I don’t want to immediately say it’s because of my bipolar and/or ADHD, but that’s probably the most likely scenario. My doctors have told me that it affects the way I think; I test lower on IQ tests than I did before because my brain works differently (well, assuming it works at all ). Seriously.  I’ve been told over and over again that I ‘don’t think’ or whatnot, but that’s not true at all. I *do* think, I just tend to think so fast that nothing really ‘sticks’. My last few employers-you know, the two jobs I was fired from in two weeks-can attest to that. It’s just so frustrating, because I feel like everyone else is smarter than me and understands everything much better…maybe this is true, but maybe I’m just *different*, not any less or any more. I don’t know.

-he can’t help me lose weight. Well, maybe he can in terms of eating more vegetables and less fatty stuff, but he can’t exercise for me or stop me from liking things like soda and cookies.  I feel like I’ve nagged him enough about that in terms of getting him to buy veggies and fruit for produce, although truth be told I really don’t push anywhere near as much as I could.  Still, I know that money has been really tight for us and that he feels like the stuff we can afford is often the stuff that’s really the worst for us.  He doesn’t say it like that, but that tends to be what it comes out to. That’s not completely true, and at least we’ve been getting more canned veggies. It’s just up to me to actually *eat* them, or to choose them over other stuff when I have a choice.

-he can’t help me get motivated to do, well, anything. I have so many projects I’ve started that I haven’t finished and don’t really know if I will. A children’s book, a novel of sorts, a few other writing projects…at least I’ve had some stories published, although they haven’t sold yet and *ahem* aren’t the type of stories you let your dad read.  I have a couple of tabs open in my browser right now for things I keep meaning to read, but somehow never really get around to it because I’m so easily distracted.  Maybe at some point I’ll stop playing Facebook games long enough to read the stuff I’m supposed to read on Beliefnet for my job, and then read and write on the forum I actually get paid for, and then….oops, got distracted again.

-he can’t get me to stand up for myself the way I need to.

-he can’t ward off my depression or make other people do stuff with us. They have their own lives and I totally appreciate that, but sometimes I just get bored with the same old thing. Boredom often leads to depression with me, and money is a huge part of why we don’t get out as much as before. At least we’ve been able to do more since we got our mortgage refinanced and I’ve been doing more stuff at church. Which leads me to my next point:

-we already do what we can for money and saving, although it’s really, really hard to save anything because of how much debt we’ve had because of my accident and illnesses. He can’t make me feel less uncomfortable when the subject of money is brought up among others, even if it’s not mentioned by name.  At least it’s not mentioned often, since most people we know are in similar financial positions.  It’s when I hear people who are (in my opinion) better off than we are complain about not being able to afford the next tech toy that I want to throw something.  He can’t change the past, which is ultimately what it would take for our money issues to be solved.

That’s just it. He can’t change the past. I know he would if he could, though.  The only thing that can be done is to get to be more comfortable and content with the way things are and to try and improve things from there, but that’s something I have to do for myself. I have to ask God to help me with that every day, if I remember. That’s really sad, ‘if I remember’, but the point is that he can’t do it for me because it’s not *for* him to do. It’s for me, with God’s help.

*sigh*

Maybe I should just stick with new jeans and some bras to replace the ones I can’t wear anymore. That would require a lot less explanation.

Bitchfest post #1

I’ve been in rare bitch form lately. I guess it could be because of being bored, tired and that it’s obscenely hot outside, but I’m not sure. Maybe I just need to take a break from Beliefnet, since that’s where some of it comes from. Oh well. I’ve gotta get some stuff off my chest.

1. Why the fuck is there supposed to be a ‘Christian’ opinion on everything? I’m seeing threads about what the ‘Christian’ opinion is on how many kids someone should have, what the ‘Christian’ opinion is about working on Sunday, etc. Normally I wouldn’t care much (well, the first one might be annoying), but the people who start threads like this and who do the most bloviating about what a ‘Christian’ family should look like usually has no children, is not married, has never even had a boyfriend, and sometimes has never even lived on their own. Not to say that this makes them bad people, but it does make them people who don’t know shit about what it means to be married or have kids, and are in no position to preach to those of us who do. I don’t have kids now, which is why you will only see me on threads like that saying that I’m not going to tell anyone else what to do in that area because it’s between them and God, not me. I also don’t want to hear Canadians going on about people having kids they can’t afford and being a ‘drain on the American welfare system’ or that people shouldn’t ‘be allowed’ to have kids if they can’t afford them (yes, that was the question I saw asked, should people be allowed to have kids if they can’t afford them). Maybe they have the same setup in Canada that we do here with welfare, I don’t know, but someone really shouldn’t pretend to know first-hand about things when they don’t. Although I do that too sometimes, so maybe my irritation here is karma for irritating others with my bloviating. I know one person as a friend and she doesn’t mean harm. I know where she’s coming from, which might be part of my irritation. She’s a member of a conservative Christian denomination that I used to be part of as well (sort of), and that particular denomination does seem to venture an opinion about everything from your entertainment choices to politics to what kind of clothes you buy at the store. Not all are like this, certainly, but I am much more comfortable in a church that doesn’t have a problem with ambiguity sometimes and views the Bible as authoritative on matters of faith and life but not on science or, well, anything else. IINM (If I’m Not Mistaken), the Bible never even claims to be any of those other things. I’m just not really comfortable with the legalistic sort of viewpoint I hear in the posts, and I would probably feel the same way if it were anyone else posting. Which leads me to…

2) I hate it when people post long strings of Scripture out of context and expect us to take it as authoritative for their opinion. By this, I’m thinking of some people who will just slap up a few verses in answer to another post, but not give a whole lot of their own words. When we take the posts in a way the person didn’t intend, it’s even more frustrating because, well, how can we tell what you mean when you don’t say it? Either that, or they’ll say, ‘hey, you’re disagreeing with God, not me’ or ‘you’d know what I was talking about if you really took Scripture seriously/knew anything/were a Real Christian ™/etc’. Honestly, I don’t even read half of what some people post because this type of ‘talking down’ is all they do. I might not be doing my job as a host because I might miss stuff in my ‘scrolling’, but something tells me I’m not missing anything. I guess the same thing goes about people who post ‘lectures’ without really wanting to talk about them…I respect that they have an opinion, but Beliefnet boards are discussion boards, not lectures or blogs. LOL I’m glad I don’t have to share here, but discussion boards aren’t like that. We go to them to talk about things with others…IOW, discuss or debate. I know where to go if I want to be preached at.

3) Slater, get off the counter.

4) I hate how I sometimes trust people too much and get hurt. Or feel sorry for myself over stupid shit when I have so much to be thankful for. Luckily the former hasn’t happened too much lately. I also hate how I can be so damned self-absorbed that I miss so much of what is going on around me. I didn’t know about my sister’s health issues, for one thing. But then, neither did my dad, but I might have just gotten upset because I rarely get to see my family and yet they get to see each other pretty often. Granted, a lot of them live in one place, but I wish I had the money or time to visit. That’s not anyone’s fault, just something I have to live with. I live a really long way away from everyone, and while I’ve always been kind of ‘distant’, I hope no one things that means I don’t care. My life has been kind of boring lately, so there’s not really much in the way of ‘news’ to tell.

5) The Georgia Department of Labor has got to be one of the most incompetent agencies I’ve ever worked with. Long, aggravating story short, this is the second time I’ve had to deal with them on the same issue and also the second time I’ve had to appeal to someone higher in our state government to deal with the same issue. Hopefully it will be sorted out this week or so, or else I’ll be out 200 bucks I don’t have that I really don’t owe the DOL, but they say I do.

My bitchiness is winding down, so I think I’ll stop while I’m ahead. Thanks for listening, and feel free to add your own bitchfests. Let’s make this an ‘event’!

Protected: What would you call this? Possibly triggering and annoying babble…

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Somewhat random whine…

Don’t you hate it when you think you’ve gotten over something, put it behind you, only to realize you hadn’t? To wonder if you never truly can?

Don’t you hate it when you can’t decide whether or not you have a right to feel something, or if you are making too big of a deal out of it? If you are ‘playing the victim’, ‘trying to make everyone feel sorry for you’, or otherwise blowing it out of proportion, to quote the person who did it? To quote your father, even if he wasn’t talking about you?  If you are just being a baby/bitch/whiner/princess/etc? If you are making yourself feel bad on purpose to get attention?

Doesn’t it suck to think all of these bad things or ask all of these questions about yourself when you would never do that if you were talking to a friend with the same feelings?

Doesn’t it bother you when you find yourself making excuses for the person or behavior, or trying to talk yourself out of feeling the way you do? Especially it was this very tendency, this very lack of self-esteem and tendency to look at the positive, that made the abuse possible to begin with?

Should I be afraid I will become bitter? Even if you don’t really see why you would, or don’t think you have, but still wonder about that anyway?

Is it weird for a person who doesn’t believe in taking revenge to inwardly laugh or feel good when her male friends offer to ‘handle’ her ex? Especially the more, um, creative ideas?

Isn’t it frustrating not to be able to put a name for what happened to you, or to not like the sound of the words? Or to feel that you shouldn’t use the words because they normally apply to something you see as much worse than what happened to you? To feel bad about telling anyone because they’ll be mad at you and think you are ‘belittling’ what happened to them if you use the same terms? Or to wonder if anything out of the ordinary happened at all?

Doesn’t it suck that remembering something or someone that hurt you and being triggered by it makes you question your faith and whether or not you’ve really forgiven? Whether or not you’ve been taking the Eucharist unworthily?* To wonder whether or not you’re going to be forgiven for your sins because you haven’t forgiven someone else’s sins against you?  To question whether or not ‘sins against you’ is even the right phrase for it? To question what forgiveness even means, and to remember every Scripture verse that ‘convicts’ you, but none that comfort you? Especially if this very line of reasoning contributed to the situation you are ‘supposed’ to have forgiven?

Isn’t it awful when you feel like you can’t even trust your own thoughts, feelings, actions or beliefs? When you have to keep repeating the same stuff over and over again to yourself, but it doesn’t seem to sink in? When you ask your friends about things like this that confuse you but are so obvious to everyone else?

Don’t you hate it when everyone else sees something for what it is, but you don’t, no matter how many times you have to beat it into your head?

Don’t you hate feeling that you should be ‘beyond’ something by now? That you should ‘be over it’, Even though you would never say that to someone else?

Isn’t it annoying when you ignore or turn down someone’s Facebook friend request because you want to forget about them, but they keep on asking, so you have to keep on seeing their name until you finally block them?  When seeing that name or picture throws you off and you have to remind yourself that he can’t hurt you again, or that hopefully he’s grown up and just wants to be friendly? When you have to block someone because they don’t get the hint that you don’t want to be their friend the first couple of times you turn them down?

Don’t you hate it when you can’t even look at some of your college photos because you are triggered by the sight of one person in them? And you could go through the photos and put a sticker or something over his face, but that would mean that you actually have to look at him?

Doesn’t it suck that seeing one picture, hearing one name, can make you feel like years of therapy, spiritual counseling, help from others and self help efforts haven’t done anything? As though all of the progress you’ve made disappears into the mist so easily and you have to start all over again, just because you saw a stupid picture?

Doesn’t it annoy you when you don’t know how you will feel about something or someone from one day to the next? When you keep going back and forth between positive and negative, thought and feeling, healing and injury?

Doesn’t it suck not to be able to look at a friend’s profile picture because he reminds you of someone who the very sight of unnerves you?

Don’t you hate it when you have dreams about someone but are doing to them what you should have done back when you knew them? When you wake up feeling rattled, or you think you hear yourself yelling at them in your sleep? But isn’t it oddly satisfying when you beat the crap out of them in your dream?

And isn’t it awful when you write all these questions out and feel better, but hate that you even felt all this stuff in the first place?

*Yes, as a matter of fact, I am a master of worrying, made so by years of experience.  I give lessons on Fridays. 

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• Time to Forgive Myself (attorneyatmom.blogspot.com)

Ode to the newspaper lady…

I was reading a friend’s (yes, I have friends…who knew? ) blog last week when I came across this post. Reading it inspired and infuriated me at the same time. Here is the post I’m referring to:

World Without End-Cold

An excerpt:
I have a “friend” who loudly declared one day that Big Issue sellers “don’t want to work”. I tried to explain, as gently as I could considering how angry I was, that they buy the magazine, mark it up and sell it; that they’re out all day in the rain and wind; that it’s meant as a way for them to work for a living – that they’re working harder than many people will ever have to, and taking the abuse of a snotty public while they’re at it. It didn’t seem to compute. I don’t think the person concerned was expecting to hear an argument, and so he didn’t hear it.

As for his ‘friend’-

I know several people like that, who think that they are the only ones who actually *work* for a living. The person who served them at the coffee shop, the street cleaner, the salesperson in the electronics store? Lazy bums, all of them. It’s usually either that, or that they are in their job because they are ‘lower’ somehow-less intelligent, less educated, not motivated, bitter or generally of ‘lower’ stock. I probably don’t even have to tell you what I’ve heard said about people on public assistance, programs some don’t think should even exist. Either way, they are looking down their noses at anyone who is not in ‘their station’. But then, these people usually have never been in a position to where they have nothing less than top-notch jobs, been laid off or had a hard time of it. It must be nice…but the truth is, I kind of pity them. Sometimes they are arrogant, elitist jerks but, more often than not, they’re just clueless. “Doing what they [customer service workers] do because they don’t want to work?” Trust me, it’s work. Besides, I’m sure a person could find more enjoyable things to do on a Saturday night than park people’s cars. I know I could. Also, how do they know that the person serving them isn’t working through college to get the education they are assumed not to have? How do they know that person doesn’t have three kids at home to feed? They might also look down on a single person with kids, but how do they know that person is single, or is single by choice? How do they know that the person working the cash register at Walmart isn’t a former software engineer who’s been affected by a bad economy and layoffs? How do they know that the job at the coffee shop isn’t a second job the person takes to help pay off student loans? I’ve known people like this. How do they know that the person getting Social Security hasn’t busted her butt working and paying into the system a lot longer than she really should have and only stopped working because she’s been forced to? Yes, I have personal stake in this. Bitter and angry, party of one.

Okay, rant over.

I’ll admit I haven’t always been as gracious as I’m expecting others to be. I have a bachelor’s in communication from one of the best schools in my home state (Go NC State!!!!). I’ve had jobs where I’ve made good salaries-or, what was good for me back then. I was young, and brimming with the delusion of invincibility that comes along with it. I thought ‘it couldn’t happen to me’. Long story short, it did happen to me. I was quickly knocked down by the loss of a job and had to experience first-hand what it was like to work multiple jobs to pay the rent or to live off of credit cards. I have the bankruptcy on my record to prove it. One thing I learned the hard way is that none of us are immune from setbacks; they can happen to anyone, at any time. I know people who have lost considerable amounts of their retirement savings in the stock market. They weren’t irresponsible, but the general economy sunk and took the stock market (and their savings) with it. Now in any given place you can find people who had high-powered jobs but were laid off because their companies had to make cutbacks. Several of my friends can’t work anymore because of an illness. I’ve known of families who are now on food stamps because the main breadwinner got hurt and can’t work anymore. Heck, my husband went through all of his savings taking care of me for the seven months after my wreck that I couldn’t work. These weren’t things that could have been foreseen, otherwise we would have gladly planned. While there is something to be said for saving for a rainy day and thinking about the future, I just want to stress that a person’s job situation isn’t necessarily due to a character flaw or anything the person could have done. Unfortunately, sometimes stuff just happens. I wish it didn’t, but maybe it has a purpose. Few things will teach you the value of human compassion than being in a position where you are on the receiving end!

Speaking of compassion…

I was touched by the fact that my friend wanted to help this young lady, a person he barely knew. That means he spoke with her, actually listened to what she had to say, took an interest in her and thought about her for longer than the two minutes it would take for her to hand him his paper. In other words, he treated her like an ‘equal’ as opposed to The Person Who Is There To Serve Him. I know this might not sound like much but, believe me, it is. As someone who has worked extensively in the service industry (restaurant and retail), I cannot express enough how much it can mean to have a customer notice you as a person. Restaurants have a high employee turnover rate for a reason; the job can be very interesting, but also some of the roughest and most thankless work you’ll ever find. I’ve personally enjoyed many of my service jobs, but there were definitely moments when I’d loved to have given someone a mashed-potato facial. However, every now and then you’ll come across the customer who makes you glad you are there. I don’t remember many of the rude customers I’ve had (beyond the extremes), but I definitely remember the ones who took the time to speak with me and showed interest in/concern for me. This might especially make a difference to the person who stands out in freezing-cold weather and sells newspapers for a living; in other words, the person many people pass on the street every day but don’t even notice.

Enquiring minds want to know…

Okay, so I used the tagline from one of the worst tabloid rags of my generation. Sue me.

I seem to always be asking questions. Whether this is a blessing or a curse, a good thing or bad thing depends on who you ask.  I’ve managed to infuriate many a professor or preacher without really meaning to. Anyway, I’m bored and I have a blog and you don’t, so you are going to listen to everything I have to say. Here goes:

-I wonder if cats can be trained to do household chores. Slater likes to ‘knead’ so much, I wonder if he can be trained to do that on our backs on command.  Maybe then he’ll actually earn his keep.  Yeah, right, and I’m a supermodel.

-I wonder if I’m ever going to get my hip fixed, or if I should even try right now. I’ll just have to get the replacement replaced in about 20 years anyway, but that actually isn’t a huge problem.  In a sense I really want to but I don’t know if it’s ever going to be a ‘good time’ with money and all that.  So I’m afraid to get my hopes up and then have them dashed again.  One reason I want it is because I can’t have kids until I do, but to be honest I wonder if that’s even a consideration.  I’m not going to explain one of the other reasons…let’s just say I lost a lot of the motion in the left hip, and leave it at that.

-I wonder if I’m ever going to get this song out of my head:

-On the tip of #2 , I wonder if the fact that I am 32 and my ‘biological clock’ isn’t ticking at a deafening volume like those of my friends is God’s way of preparing me for not having kids, or telling me that it’s not the best idea.  I’m probably overthinking, but I’m concerned about the bipolar causing problems. It’s not so much about passing it on, although that is a very distinct possibility, especially since it’s on my husband’s side of the family too. No, it’s more about not being able to get through the pregnancy without meds or possibly not being a good parent because I’m too busy throwing things at my reflection in the mirror because my husband and I can’t afford our meds and stuff for the kid too.  Most of the time I don’t really ‘act mental’…in fact, my brother-in-law says he’d never have guessed that I even *have* bipolar, I seem so even-headed. *laugh* If he only knew…:)  Seriously, it doesn’t usually run my life but I can’t plan on that, especially during a pregnancy. We talk about adoption, but I’m not sure that would be much better, or if the state would even *let* me adopt. We shall see.

-I wonder what I’d look like with a shaved head.

-I wonder what I did to deserve such a good husband, or what he did to deserve being saddled to me for life.

-I wonder if I’m ever going to get past this obsession I have with being clean and thinking I have body odor when my husband, friends, mother, and even doctors have been telling me I don’t. Oh well, there are worse things to be obsessed with than bathing, like Italian sausages and celebrity plastic surgery. 

-I’m still trying to figure out why I should care about things like which actor’s dating who or what perfume the president’s wife’s former roommate is wearing.  This is an exaggeration, but not much of one. I guess I should be happy that things are boring enough to where this stuff is all the news networks have to run, but all this reality-tv, celebutaunt stuff is making me wish for better days…like the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky scandal.  At least one person involved in that was intelligent, if only for knowing not to inhale.

-I wonder if I am ever going to work full-time again, or bring in a regular income that isn’t from the government.

-I wonder if it’s possible to walk a cat on a leash.

-I wonder what my husband would look like in a tutu.

-I wonder what people from high school and college think about how I turned out, or if I should care.

-I wonder if there’s any correlation in the facts that I have a long line of overweight alcoholics in my family and that we share our name with popular brands of Scotch and shortbread cookies.

-I wonder if I will ever get to where I don’t feel like I have to fill the silence with random stupid crap.

-I wonder if I’ll be alive to see which Nostradamus predictions and Armageddon/End-Times scenarios turn out to be true.

-I’m sure I have some sort of purpose on this planet, but I wonder if I’ll ever figure out what it is.

And, the most important question of all-

-I wonder if I’ll ever figure out that a person with hypoglycemia should take a break to eat before getting involved in a project so that she doesn’t have to suck down yogurt and sweet tea at midnight so she doesn’t feel like the room is spinning.  If you notice me getting bitchier as this post goes on, that’s why. Yeah, that’s my story, I’m sticking to it.

And on that note…

I’d welcome any answers you have, or further questions…even flame mail would do.  I’m still sober, I can take it.

And now I am going to shut up for a moment and line the catbox with the previously-mentioned tabloid.  I’m not sure what smells worse, the trash in the box or the trash on the pages.  Maybe by this time next year I’ll have figured it out. Later!

Oh, and, Happy New Year.

Lessons learned in 2009

I know we still have a week or so left in the year, but I can’t guarantee I’ll be coherent enough to see straight by then.  Here are a few of the lessons this past year has taught me.

-I am not now, and should never be, defined by my job.  I felt like I lost a part of myself in this past year or so when I had to stop trying to work, simply because I have done it for so long that I didn’t know a whole lot else.  There are a lot more details about the ‘progression’ in this and this post. It was, however, the best thing I could have done for myself.  I’m wondering now whether the series of disappointments I mention in the links above were God’s way of showing me what was really important in life, or preparing me for something else? That is something my friend M suggested, and very well might be true. It’s not the first time I’ve heard/thought of this, but it usually takes me a couple of times to get things through my thick skull!.  He works in strange ways, ways I often don’t understand or like at the time but that turn out to be just what I need. I am the worst person in the world about submitting and/or trusting Him sometimes and not trying to do everything myself. I’ve had a lot of trouble with my faith in the past few years, which gives this realization even more weight. This might sound offensive to some, but I wonder if parts of my life thus far have been sort of a ‘man born blind’ story-where I am made weak so that the glory and power of God can be shown through me? If so, bring it on!

Okay, I’ll stop preaching now. I just have to keep reminding myself that there is a reason for everything.

And somebody pass me my raincoat…:)

-Related to the above, this past year has reminded me of how important friends and family are, and how they matter a lot more than how much money you make.   I now remember why I decided not to go to law school after college-I didn’t want to be killing myself at an office 80 hours a week trying to pay off student loans, and not have time for a life.  It’s just not worth it.

-Monty Python and the Holy Grail has to be one of the funniest movies ever made. I’d seen it before, but because of my insanely silly husband, I’ve gained a new appreciation for Monty Python. It’s educational too. If not for that movie, I might not have ever learned the truth about rabbits:

-I could easily be dead right now if not for the hand of God.  All accounts of my accident given to me by my doctors, family, and even the insurance adjusters tell me that it’s a miracle that I survived, much less can walk and take care of the house.

For those who have not heard the story, I was hit when pulling out of my subdivision on the way to a new job. I was hit T-bone style (perpendicularly) on the driver’s side by a Dodge Ram. In case you haven’t seen one of these trucks,  they are quite massive and one of the toughest, heaviest pickup trucks out there.  My Saturn was turned from a four-door sedan into a crumpled pile of metal within about a few minutes. Here are some examples of the two makes of car:

2000 Saturn...this isn't mine, just an example

Dodge Ram-this is actually one of the *smaller* ones

I got out of it with a punctured lung and a broken pelvis,  and that’s just what I’ve been told about. I spent a month in the hospital, half of it restrained and sedated to keep me from waking up and ripping out all of my tubes…I’m told I did this quite often! I had extensive physical and occupational therapy, essentially learning to walk again.  On the up side, at least some of the therapists were hot. Don’t ask me how it all happened because I don’t remember…I don’t remember a single thing about the wreck itself, or the first two weeks in the hospital.  I haven’t even seen a picture, and I’m not sure I want to.

I’ve told this story in my head and to other people about a million times, and each time I do I remember how it could have turned out. I have to keep reminding myself of this when I start feeling sorry for myself for the things I cannot do.

-I now know even more uses for the ‘F’ word than before.  You tend to rack things like that up when you work in restaurants.  I think I’m up to 20 now.  

-Some people can be real idiots. No, I didn’t just learn this now, but I’ve gotten plenty of reminders.

-It’s okay to ask for help, and you are not less of a person for needing it.  People who would make you feel as though you are are usually completely clueless and deserve to be ignored.  They can be useful, though, if only to remind you of the point above this one.

-I love taking pictures.  I don’t, however, love being in pictures.  I am not photogenic at all, and the fact that my siblings are and that my brother used to model doesn’t help.

-There are a lot-and I do mean a lot-of things I didn’t know about my family that I could have used growing up.  I understand that I was pretty young during one particularly interesting period, but knowing some of the things when I was ten that I overheard by eavesdropping two months ago could have saved me a lot of time, anxiety and money for the therapist.  Well, maybe I would have still needed the therapist, but it would have at least given me more of a head start! I understand why I wasn’t told many of these things at the time and that some things aren’t what you want other people knowing, even in the family.   I was just a kid, I can see why someone wouldn’t want a kid to know a lot of things.  It was just really, really weird hearing my dad talk about things that defined my and my sister’s childhoods as openly and casually as he would talk about yesterday’s newspaper.

-Don’t look down those in need, or others who are referred to by Jesus as ‘the least of these’.  Most, if not all, of us are going to be ‘the least of these’ at some point in our lives.  Some of us already have been.

-Some people can be real idiots.  Sorry, did I mention that before?

-Cats make good alarm clocks. Ditto vacuum cleaners and hot water bottles.

-I am probably the most self-absorbed person I know. At least, that’s how it feels sometimes.  However, I think that is part and parcel when the depression hits. It’s hard to see a whole lot else when you are trapped behind a black curtain with only your own mind for comfort.  Oh, and, I’m overdramatic too.

-There is something wonderfully comforting about making a Chef Boyardee pizza kit and chocolate chip cookies from the freezer section.

I’m sure these aren’t the only things I learned this year, but they are the ones I can think of at the moment. Hopefully in the coming year I will continue to learn, and perhaps have more interesting things to say than my usual drivel.

Oh, and, if you want to argue with anything here, that’s in room 12a.

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The Darkness Within

There have been a lot of really messy things in my life, things I can’t always explain. Sometimes I feel as though my own heart, my own mind is taking revenge on me. I’ve been relatively lucky, but sometimes it is hard for me to see that. I have an illness-bipolar disorder-that can make me feel as though there were something else inside of me, controlling my thoughts and actions. An ex once told me it was a ‘demon’ or ‘spirit’…I would normally say he’s full of shit, and I still think he is, but the truth is that it can sometimes feel as though he is right. He doesn’t understand this, and probably never will. I can read all the self-help books in the world, can spend hours in prayer, do all the things that work for everyone else…but because of my biology, it doesn’t always help. I’ve had some form of depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember, but I thought it was just normal pubescent angst or a weakness on my part. As positive and friendly as I usually am, medication has been my saving grace. Surely there is some reason God is allowing me to have all this…but damned if I can figure out what it is sometimes. People give me advice, and I appreciate their concern. There are just some things that people-however well meaning they might be-simply won’t understand until they have been there themselves.

Sometimes, though, I hear something that speaks to me…that tells me, this person knows what’s in my head. This person has ‘been there’…

I love Nine Inch Nails* for this very reason…listening to Trent Reznor can be very cathartic. Anyone who writes like this just knows:

Hurt

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real

The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

(Chorus)

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liars chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair

Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

(Chorus)

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I will keep myself
I will find a way

Johnny Cash did a cover of this song a while back…his voice just fits so well…

And as if that wasn’t dark enough:

Something I Can Never Have

I still recall the taste of your tears.
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
Scraping through my head ’till I don’t want to sleep anymore.

[Chorus:]
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I’m down to just one thing.
And I’m starting to scare myself.
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have

You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn’t do the things that I can do now.
This thing is slowly taking me apart.
Grey would be the color if I had a heart.

Come on tell me

[Chorus]

In this place it seems like such a shame.
Though it all looks different now,
I know it’s still the same
Everywhere I look you’re all I see.
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be.

[Chorus]

I just want something I can never have

I’m not quite as dramatic as all that, but it is a strange comfort to me to have this sort of thing to refer to,  if only for inspiration for my own (crappy) writing.

*More lyrics can be found here: http://www.azlyrics.com/n/nine.html

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