My cats keep trying to type anyway, so I figured I might as well give them ‘the floor’. 🙂
Here are some things they wanted to impart to humanity:
1. We keep you, you don’t keep us. Get that straight.
2. Stop throwing us in the pool. It’s not funny. If you don’t stop, we will be forced to come up with new ways to torment you. Actually, we were planning on doing that anyway, but now we have an excuse.
3. Contrary to popular belief, we are just as smart as dogs and are able to learn whatever stupid tricks you want us to do. It’s just that dogs actually want to please you; we don’t give a shit. Refer to #1.
4. For the last time: those cheesy Halloween costumes are not for cats! They are made for dogs or other animals who are stupid enough to wear them. If you continue to try to put them on us, we cannot be held responsible for any scratches that ensue. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
5. As a matter of fact, it is your sole purpose in life to serve us. Refer to #1.
6. A cat’s mischief-making is in direct proportion to its cuteness and ability to distract you from being mad by acting sweet and innocent. We know we’re cute and use it to our full advantage.
7. Don’t get mad at us for breaking that vase, chewing those shoes or eating that plant. It’s your own damned fault for putting stuff where we could reach it. The fact that we can jump and climb and therefore reach almost anything is beside the point.
8. In case you were wondering-yes, the whole world is our scratching post. Ditto chew toy.
9. Our tails are not toys. The sooner your kids learn this, the better.
And now the point we most want to emphasize-
10. When in doubt, refer to #1.