Would it *really* have been any different?

I don’t know about you, but I have a lot of things in my life that I wish I had done or had not done. You know, the whole “woulda, coulda, shoulda” thing. A lot of times, I think I would have been happier with jobs had I studied psychology or religion rather than communication, or I think what it would have been like had I actually been able to work a the job I was going to my first day at when I got into my wreck. It’s mostly jobs I think about, mostly because I’ve spent about half my life working outside the home for money. That’s really all I know; I’m on disability right now, and it killed me to apply because that meant admitting to the government that I couldn’t work. Worse than that, I had to admit it to myself.

But lately I’ve looked back and thought, would I really have been any happier? Professionally, that is. Would I have had an easier time of it had I studied something else? What if the thing that has made the difference isn’t job related at all?

What if it is the bipolar that has caused the problems? I don’t want to have it run my life, but sometimes I don’t know how it can’t. I think the part I’m having now started when I was in college. I did socialize a lot more than I did in high school and was kind of a drama queen, however unintentionally. Certain ex-boyfriends (namely, PR*) took up a lot of time and energy, so much that I often wish I’d never met him. I don’t regret much more in my personal life because I have the most wonderful husband in the world, but professionally is where I mostly wonder. Would things had been any different had I studied something else…would I have been able to get through the school? I think back at how I wanted to go to law school…I shelved that idea for a different reason, but I wonder now if I would have done very well at the job or if I would have been able to get through law school, with the concentration issues I have. Would I have been able to keep jobs for any longer than I have so far? Would I be any happier?

Okay, sorry to ramble, but I hope you see what I was thinking about. Would things really been any better had I actually done the “coulda, woulda, shouldas” I think about? What about you? What are some of your “coulda, woulda, shouldas”?

*’PR’ stands for Psycho Rapist…that’s not the only nickname I’ve used for him, or even the most colorful, but he doesn’t deserve to have me call him by his real name. Actually, he really doesn’t even deserve this amount of thought. Sometimes I still have flashbacks, but that’s another post.

About theprozacqueen

30s, female, married, Georgia US, very opinionated, open-minded mostly, too nice for my own good, Christian, fairly liberal, friendly. I have a pretty big family and several friends and in-laws that might as well be family. I don't have kids, but I have five cats who think they're kids. I have a silly (and sometimes off-color) sense of humor. I'm a Christian so I'll try not to be nasty or use bad language in my posts, but I'm not making any promises, View all posts by theprozacqueen

4 responses to “Would it *really* have been any different?

  • falloutmommy

    Being on disability doesn’t make you any less of a person. I am waiting right now to get approved and it honestly is killing me for my husband to work all the time and still not be able to make ends meet. I feel like I *should* be working, but at the same time we both know that I can’t right now. My crash started at the worst time – I was 4 weeks into the spring semester for what eventually will still someday become a psychology degree. So I failed all my classes and stressed myself out MORE in the process because I really wanted to take some of the classes.

    I see from your blog that you are a Christian, so from one to another – sometimes things happen in our lives and we look around and ask ourselves how we got there… but God sees the big picture and watches over us. For everything there is a reason, even if we don’t see it at the time.


  • Serial Insomniac

    I agree with falloutmommy; you are not less of a person because you are claiming disability benefits. There is absolutely no point getting a job when you’re not fully stable and then not being able to cope – it would only make things worse for you hun, and of course wouldn’t be ideal for the employer either.

    I don’t really ‘do’ regret, I must admit, but having said that, there’s things I’d do differently if I had the chance, and the main one relates to my academic background. It was a subject I’d always wanted to study, but it didn’t turn out the way I’d hoped. I would do a very clearly vocational degree now if I had the opportunity to rewrite history. C’est la via.

    Take care x


    • theprozacqueen

      Wow, we all seem to have a lot in common!

      Thank you both. It was really difficult for me to apply for disability, because all I’d ever known was working. I’ve done some sort of work outside the home for half my life, so a lot of the way I defined myself was through a job. I know now that that was not a healthy way to go about things. That, and I’m one of those people who does not know when to quit, but will keep on going even though I know I shouldn’t. The first time I applied for disability I was turned down…This time, I got it right away, thank God…One thing I noticed with continuing to try to work was that ‘job-hopping’ was making my resume or applications look really bad, because I hadn’t stayed at a (paid, full time) job for more than two years. Then, there were the gaps in my resume…I’m still nervous as to how those will be accepted in the future. I’m not even sure if I will ever work full time again…fallout, do you or your doctors have any idea whether or not you will work again? As much as money is a problem, I am noticing that I feel somewhat better not trying to work…although sometimes I hear rich Republicans in this area crow on about how all public aid needs to go away, that people on assistance are usually cheats and lazy…GGRRRRR!!!!! I wonder if I could get away with throwing things through their windows and then telling the police I’m ‘having an episode’? 🙂

      I have noticed that I seem to be able to help others who are having stress or similar problems to ours. I guess that could be one reason God allowed all this to happen…thanks again for your words, both of you. Have you noticed any sort of ‘up side’ to the problems you have had? Fallout, hopefully one day you’ll be able to take the classes again, I’d love to join you.


  • Lessons learned in 2009 « The Prozac Queen's Court

    […] a whole lot else.  There are a lot more details about the ‘progression’ in this and this post. It was, however, the best thing I could have done for myself.  I’m wondering now […]


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