I was wondering something the other night when trying to get to sleep.
Every time I’ve gone to the doctor for things related to my accident-or any time I’ve discussed it, period-one thing I always mention is that I don’t remember anything about it. I don’t remember what happened or the first two weeks in the hospital; the only information I have about that is what others have told me. Almost without fail, the idea that perhaps the lack of memories is God’s way of protecting me is mentioned. It’s usually related to post-traumatic stress…a very good friend of mine was also once in a really bad car wreck but she does remember a few things, and those things have given her nightmares or extreme anxiety about things like starting to drive again. Truth be told, I don’t want to remember any of it, or any more than I do.
I wonder if perhaps the fact that I don’t have as loud of a ‘biological clock’ as some I know or the fact that my husband and I both take medicine that lessens the sex drive was God’s way of helping me deal with not being physically able to be intimate in that way, or with not having kids? There are other ways of being intimate, but some things cause me a great deal of pain, if they are even possible now. I don’t often feel like even trying. I can’t bear the thought of that part of my life being ‘over’, since in some ways it had just barely gotten started. Even if we decide we don’t want kids, I want not having them to be my decision, not one forced upon me.
Now back to your regularly scheduled program…