Late night ruminations

I was wondering something the other night when trying to get to sleep.

Every time I’ve gone to the doctor for things related to my accident-or any time I’ve discussed it, period-one thing I always mention is that I don’t remember anything about it. I don’t remember what happened or the first two weeks in the hospital; the only information I have about that is what others have told me.  Almost without fail, the idea that perhaps the lack of memories is God’s way of protecting me is mentioned.  It’s usually related to post-traumatic stress…a very good friend of mine was also once in a really bad car wreck but she does remember a few things, and those things have given her nightmares or extreme anxiety about things like starting to drive again. Truth be told, I don’t want to remember any of it, or any more than I do.

I wonder if perhaps the fact that I don’t have as loud of a ‘biological clock’ as some I know or the fact that my husband and I both take medicine that lessens the sex drive was God’s way of helping me deal with not being physically able to be intimate in that way, or with not having kids?  There are other ways of being intimate, but some things cause me a great deal of pain, if they are even possible now. I don’t often feel like even trying. I can’t bear the thought of that part of my life being ‘over’, since in some ways it had just barely gotten started.  Even if we decide we don’t want kids, I want not having them to be my decision, not one forced upon me.

Now back to your regularly scheduled program…

About theprozacqueen

30s, female, married, Georgia US, very opinionated, open-minded mostly, too nice for my own good, Christian, fairly liberal, friendly. I have a pretty big family and several friends and in-laws that might as well be family. I don't have kids, but I have five cats who think they're kids. I have a silly (and sometimes off-color) sense of humor. I'm a Christian so I'll try not to be nasty or use bad language in my posts, but I'm not making any promises, View all posts by theprozacqueen

2 responses to “Late night ruminations

  • Jengie Jon

    I have the same with something, oh well lets be honest marriage. Someone basically stole my ability to form a close relationship to a man at just the time when it was most likely to happen.

    Its possibly back now but over a decade later and I am not sure I even want to.

    That said I read as a kid Warrior Scarlet by Rosemary Sutcliffe. It tells of a one handed kid growning up in ancient Britain who like all of his tribe wants to be a warrior. One night his grandfather says that he may as well be given to the sheep people as he will never be a warrior. He overhears and he runs out into the forest. There he is found be the one person who actually can help. A warrior and a hunter in the tribe who is also one handed. That one says to the lad that he must learn to throw a spear so no one questions why he does not use a bow. It is said better than that but that is the gist. I won’t tell you the rest of the story.

    However the challenge is to live so fully that people don’t wonder about what is taken from you.


  • theprozacqueen

    Thanks…I appreciate that a lot. Luckily I only have a few people a year ask me why I don’t have kids yet, and some saying well you’d better get started or it will be too late (I’m 32), but shortly after they say that they stop talking because they can tell by my face that it is none of their business. Do you get stuff like that, people asking about things that you don’t want to answer?

    I guess in a way it is a good thing that we have the challenges we do because they force us to look at things a different way, to make the best of things in a way we might not think to otherwise. That thought doesn’t always help, though.


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