The Darkness Within

Forgive me for the randomness and rambling, but I’m in a strange mood I can’t seem to shake.  …not even with ridiculous Bell Biv DeVoe songs, so you *know* must be bad. 🙂

There have been a lot of really messy things in my life, things I can’t always explain. It’s been easy compared to others, but sometimes I feel as though my own heart, my own mind is taking revenge on me. I know it could be worse, but sometimes it is hard for me to see that.

I have an illness-bipolar disorder-that can make me feel as though there were something else inside of me, controlling my thoughts and actions. I do not want this thing to define me or rule my life, but there are times when I can’t really do anything else.  An ex once told me it was a “demon” or “spirit” that needed to be cast out, which I will explain in another blog post. I would normally say he’s full of shit, and I still think he is, but the truth is that it can sometimes feel as though he is right.  He might have meant well but the truth is that he doesn’t understand this, and probably never will. I don’t fault him or anyone else for that, especially considering the fact that sometimes I don’t understand it either. I can read all the self-help books in the world, can spend hours in prayer, do all the things that work for everyone else but for whatever reason, it doesn’t always help.  I’m not saying these things are useless by any means, but they are not the “cures” they are for other people. Again, I don’t want it to define me but I can’t think of any other reason. I’ve had some form of depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember, but I thought it was just normal pubescent angst or a weakness on my part.  As positive and friendly as I usually am, medication has been my saving grace. Surely there is some reason God is allowing me to have all this-in fact, I know there is -but damned if I can figure out what it is sometimes. People give me advice, and I appreciate their concern. There are just some things that people-however well meaning they might be-simply won’t understand until they have been there themselves.

Sometimes, though, I hear something that speaks to me…that tells me, this person knows what’s in my head. This person has ‘been there’…

I love Nine Inch Nails* for this very reason…listening to Trent Reznor and people like him can be very cathartic. Anyone who writes like this just knows:

Hurt*

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real

The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

 

So I don’t run afoul of any copyright laws, you can hear and read the rest here: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/johnnycash/hurt.html

And as if that wasn’t dark enough:

Something I Can Never Have

 

I still recall the taste of your tears.
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
Scraping through my head ’till I don’t want to sleep anymore.

[Chorus:]
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I’m down to just one thing.
And I’m starting to scare myself.
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have

Again, copyright: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/nineinchnails/somethingicanneverhave.html

I’m not quite as dramatic as all that, but it is a strange comfort to me to have this sort of thing to refer to,  if only for inspiration for my own (crappy) writing.

*This is the Johnny Cash cover; his voice just fits so well.

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About theprozacqueen

30s, female, married, Georgia US, very opinionated, open-minded mostly, too nice for my own good, Christian, fairly liberal, friendly. I have a pretty big family and several friends and in-laws that might as well be family. I don't have kids, but I have five cats who think they're kids. I have a silly (and sometimes off-color) sense of humor. I'm a Christian so I'll try not to be nasty or use bad language in my posts, but I'm not making any promises, View all posts by theprozacqueen

6 responses to “The Darkness Within

  • Southern Savvy

    Do you realize that you said God is “allowing” you to have all of this? Maybe I’m way out there but when I read those words it was as if you were calling your bipolar disorder a gift or a blessing? Not to offend, it just seems as though despite everything, you’ve come full circle and can see that God has a purpose? Maybe your purpose is to help others in the same situation. My sister has similar struggles. I hope and pray that she can find a friend like you to help her. God Bless!

    Like

    • theprozacqueen

      You are actually spot on! That is pretty much how I see it…sometimes it feels like a curse, but in general the bipolar is a gift from God. I’ve always believed that there was a purpose to it (and everything else), but I’ve despaired of not being able to figure out what it is…when the depression is on, it can be really hard to see anything else, so I keep reminding myself that there is a reason for it all. My mother had depressive issues, and as a result was a very big help to my sister and me when we started having our problems. I also sometimes feel as though I have become more compassionate…

      Hey if your sister would like someone to talk with, I’m here. There’s also an extensive section on About.com for bipolar, with a great community. I’ve really learned a lot from talking with different people.

      Like

  • fromthesamesky

    I also love that nine inch nails song – particularly when Cash sings it. Awesome.

    Like

  • Stormy

    Excellent post, as always. You’re writing is NOT “crappy” as you put it. I can relate to the entire blog. Keep on going honey. You’re wonderful and you are helping others that you have no clue about. Love ya!

    Like

    • theprozacqueen

      Thanks so much! It’s good to know that I can be of help to people.
      Do you have a blog?

      I’m trying to figure out whether I should publicize and/or post links to blog posts on Facebook. Do you think some of the people in the bipolar groups would like it? Let me know.

      Like

  • Stormy

    I have several blogs but I’m not consistant with them. My newest one is the one that I am going to try to be the most consistant with however. And absolutely share the links to your blogs in the BP groups!!

    Like

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