Blanket Apology

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I have wasted so much time and energy worrying about what people think of me whose opinions don’t really matter. In school, I was probably the shyest person on the planet. I used to think it was so massively important to be liked by the ‘right’ people, to say the ‘right’ things and look the ‘right’ way. It wasn’t that I was a snob; far from it. I had friends, and liked pretty much everyone I met. I just didn’t like myself; perhaps subconsciously I expected others not to like me either. I worried so much that people didn’t like me, only to find out years later that I was completely wrong about others’ perceptions. Even if I’d been right, even if people did think I was a <insert negative title here>, it doesn’t really matter now. I’m sorry I wasted so much time worrying that could have been much better spent.

I’m sorry I took bad advice.

I’m sorry I didn’t take good advice.

Right now I’m sorry I ate that last piece of pizza. Tomorrow, my waistline will be too.

I’m sorry for letting people make me feel guilty for things I had no reason to feel guilty for.

I’m sorry for being selfish at times. In my defense, I learned that I can’t take other peoples’ burdens onto myself as much as others can; when added to the weight of my own, they will crush me. I will be in no position to help others if I am smashed into pieces on the ground.

There are people I have hurt profoundly, some intentional but some not, mostly not. I’m not going to go into details because I’d rather not think about them, but I’m sorry. There are also people I have done things to hurt, but they never found out about it. Some say what you don’t know won’t hurt you and maybe that’s true, but that doesn’t get me out of my obligation to take responsibility for my actions. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for trying to shave the cat when I was six.

I’m sorry for putting so much stock in the past that it colors my future.

I’m sorry for giving certain people and opinions the thought and credit they don’t deserve.

I’m sorry for not giving certain people and opinions the credit they do deserve.

I’m sorry for not giving myself much credit at all.

I’m sorry for not studying psychology in school…but then, I don’t really know that things would have turned out any differently for me, so perhaps I should just leave that thought alone.

I’m sorry for letting people walk all over me and not having the confidence to assert myself.

I’m sorry for being somewhat distant at times.

I’m sorry for not telling certain people in my life where to go and what to do with themselves when they get there.

I’m sorry for being afraid to let people help me or love me. I’m not sorry for letting myself help or love other people, though. Yes, I’ve gotten hurt, but I don’t really know any other way to be.

I would say I am sorry for meeting and dating certain people, but that would require that I actually think about them. They don’t deserve that privilege.

I’m sorry I didn’t perform that rap song I wrote for a guy in high school. Since the guy is now my stepbrother, I guess it’s for the best.

I’m sorry for focusing so much on what I don’t have or who doesn’t like me that I failed to appreciate the things I do have or the people who do like me.

I’m sorry that I don’t give myself the same consideration and acceptance that I give other people.

And now, I’m sorry for boring everyone with my incessant apologizing.

Have a good night.

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About theprozacqueen

30s, female, married, Georgia US, very opinionated, open-minded mostly, too nice for my own good, Christian, fairly liberal, friendly. I have a pretty big family and several friends and in-laws that might as well be family. I don't have kids, but I have five cats who think they're kids. I have a silly (and sometimes off-color) sense of humor. I'm a Christian so I'll try not to be nasty or use bad language in my posts, but I'm not making any promises, View all posts by theprozacqueen

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