I am *done*.
Done with people who are mean just for the sake of being mean.
Done with having to push and shove my way through the line and scream to be heard. Sometimes I get claustrophobic when I am in a very tight, loud space.
Done with misreading people’s motives and getting upset when I don’t need to.
Done with people misreading *my* motives and getting upset when *they* don’t need to.
Done with having Slater get on my lap at the most inopportune times and, when I want to pet him, he runs away. Typical man, can’t make up his mind. 🙂
Done with projecting my bullshit onto other people.
Done with history repeating itself, if only in my head.
Done with having to backtrack and think of things to say to attempt to fix the problems that wouldn’t be problems had I not said anything to begin with. People say they’re not hurt or that they can ignore the things I say when they can see I’m cycling*. I’m not so sure.
Sometimes I think I’d love to go away somewhere-a hospital, the beach, some random place where I can’t hurt anyone and they’d be safe from my “whatever”. Problem is, I’m extroverted, so that would probably just make things worse. I should probably settle for a sign on my back saying, “Warning, prone to anxiety attacks, sudden crying and talking about my cats.” Maybe if I can pick a cute enough cat picture it will distract from the rest of it and people won’t be creeped out. Not that they are now, but things change.
Done with starting drama when I don’t mean to and having it go in the same vicious cycle over and over again. Most people know I can’t control it, but I want to find a way to control it. The first step would probably be to duct-tape my mouth shut, but that stuff really hurts to take off. In fact, I think I still have some left over from last year’s New Year’s Eve party when I had to tape my boobs up because I couldn’t wear a bra. Don’t ask.
I need to find a therapist. I have a doctor for medications, but not as much talk therapy as I need. I thought of going the online-therapy route, which would be easy for me to afford. Trouble is, I don’t have a set schedule so I wouldn’t be able to commit. I’m afraid I will lose focus and end up playing games on my phone instead of, ahem, finishing posts I started months ago. It will soon be a new year, with a fresh Health Savings Account from my husband’s job. That will make it easier. I hate having to ask about things that cost money-especially expensive things like talk therapy on top of my other doctors-but I’m not sure I have a choice.
*Bipolar-speak for change of state-manic, depressive, mixed etc.