I had another anxiety attack tonight-the worst in a long time. I’m not surprised at all. It’s been a long week with a lot of pressure about Valentine’s Day. We’ve been having a lot of meetings because this is one of the busiest times of the year in the restaurant industry and management has been more high-strung than normal. I’ve been working more shifts in a row than I’m used to. I was at the end of my rope and was really hoping to be able to come home tonight and relax before having to go in again. I was in pain and had not slept much this week, but still had to stay and work because one of my coworkers-one who is also a good friend-simply didn’t show up.
There are certain times when things seem a lot louder, brighter, more claustrophobic than normal. There is just so much noise in such a tight space that you feel like you have to fight to get anything done. Everything and everyone is in your way, and you just want to get out. When you have a lot of side work you’re not used to doing that takes you longer than everyone else to do it can feel stressful to anyone, but in the past my coworkers had teased me about being too slow to do things. It’s been a really long time since anyone said that, but it really hurt my feelings. So when I heard “is anyone still here? Is <river in Ireland> done yet?” it made me think that people were bitching about it again. I have this sort of paranoia that makes me think things are about me when they aren’t-that people are saying or thinking things when they probably aren’t. Or, if they are, it’s not as big of a deal as I think it is. It’s like I accuse people of saying or thinking things. Luckily everyone knows that I have bipolar and anxiety, but there have been times when I worry if it will be “the last straw” with someone.
For instance, this past Christmas I got into sort of a row with a good friend of mine that made me wonder if he’ll ever care for me or talk to me again. It was another case of paranoia that blew up in my face, assuming something was about me when he was dealing with crap of his own and had been distant to everyone-not just me. It was suggested that I had a crush on him, which I doubt. Either way, I thought I had lost someone I had a connection with because I couldn’t control my dumb ass mouth. I can’t say I feel as close as I did before, but I don’t know if that’s just my perception. Tonight I thought of saying “Now you’ve seen it, I told you it was awful. Still like me, or am I the psycho hose beast I’ve been telling you about?”
It’s just so ridiculous that I could go from laughing to sitting in my car listening to music and singing along with it to calm myself down. Even if people know I can’t help it, that it’s my disorder talking, I can’t begin to explain how embarrassing these things are. I wonder when people will get sick of it and say screw her, no one likes her anymore. What will be the last straw, if I’ll have anyone left if this keeps up. And it will keep up. That much is certain.
I need to sleep.