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The Drama Inside The Drama Outside

Maybe this is just because I don’t have a life, but I tend to get sucked into other people’s drama. I’m not talking about all the gossip that goes on at my job; I’m talking about random stupid crap that I hear on the radio or see on TV. I can’t turn it off, no matter how much I’d like to.

One of the local radio stations (https://www.facebook.com/JeffandJennShow/) ran a segment this week about a woman whose fiancé was a huge UGA fan and wanted to go to the national championship game. Trouble is, the ticket would come from his ex-girlfriend from college, who he “bonded” with over football. They’d made a “deal” that if UGA ever made it to the national championship they would go together, dating or not. She said she trusted him and wanted him to go because it would mean a lot to him, but her friends and pretty much half of the Atlanta area said hell no, no way should he be hanging out with an ex-girlfriend alone at an event where alcohol and high emotion were involved. Oh, and, she’s gorgeous and recently divorced. Red flags. I think it’s pretty crappy of him to even *consider* doing something that would give his future wife pause because her feelings should be a hell of a lot more important to him than a damned football game, but no one asked me. He went to the game and came home really late and drunk. Something must have happened because her friend came back on to say she went through his phone and doesn’t want to talk about it.  Like I said, it’s crappy of him to even consider this. The whole thing screams “cheater” to me; draw your own conclusion.

One thing I don’t understand is-why does stuff like this bother me so much? I remember when I was about to get married I was extremely distressed by the idea of S cheating on me, so much that I would get freaked out every time I heard or saw anything-a magazine cover, a snippet from a TV show, *anything*-that I literally lost sleep over it. I couldn’t even hear or read about a TV show I came to really like because of one line in a radio preview-“Why did he have to sleep with the secretary? I had that woman over for brunch.” The months before my wedding were an extremely stressful time for me-I was diagnosed and had begun treatment for bipolar, I was going through a bankruptcy and coming out of the other side of a major crisis in my faith. Any *one* of those things-especially the first and third-could have caused it, but all of them together made me a type of person and have the type of thoughts I never thought I’d have and never want to have again. I’d been cheated on before.

I had no reason to think S would cheat on me but I knew that I wouldn’t be all that good at sex (being a virgin at 27) and kept hearing about how men absolutely *must* have it all the time and that it was the most important thing in the world to them that I was scared to death that I wouldn’t be “enough” for him and that he’d cheat and I’d be blamed for it. As much as he loved me, at some point I wouldn’t be pretty enough or thin enough anymore, or good enough in bed or something and he’d trade me in for a thinner, younger model like so many other men did. If I didn’t look perfect all the time, gained weight (as I did with my meds) or simply didn’t want to have sex as much as he did-as much as I had felt pressured to in other relationships-, that he’d be gone and I’d die alone. Okay, maybe that’s too much. If you think I’m exaggerating, though, walk past a rack of women’s magazines sometime. “Is He Cheating? How To Tell.” “How To Affair-Proof Your Marriage.” “Sex Tips To Keep Him Coming Back.” It was everywhere. Like most teenage girls, I’d spent hours upon hours reading this stuff. Celebrity magazines were even worse, although we could write those off as just being Hollywood. Again, everywhere. What’s worse is, it’s women who write this stuff. It’s very telling that you don’t see things like this in men’s magazines-at least not in any I’ve heard of.  I think men can be horrible, but so can we.

Having been in a relationship where I did a lot of things because I felt like I had to, I was not about to sign up for that again. That’s not to say that I never wanted to do anything sexual (because sometimes I definitely did), but the fact that I said yes (or didn’t speak at all) when I wanted to say no so many times made me feel very “less-than”. The only consolation I had was that I wasn’t being pushed to have intercourse because that was clearly set aside for marriage-in other words, I had a “reprieve”, a limit I could set for what was done in the relationship. If I were married, I wouldn’t have that anymore. Just to clarify, I was every bit as excited as any guy to have sex. I had this side to myself (in thought) that I was really anxious to let flow. I imagined we’d be making love all night like I’d done before but, instead of stopping, we’d be able to go all the way. I just knew that I would not always be pretty or sexy, that I’d gain weight and might not want to do anything as a result. Or, I wouldn’t be what *he* wanted and he’d trade me in for a newer model. Again, I had no reason to think this. Then again, the other cheated-on women probably didn’t think their man would either. And yet, he did.  I’ve always had an all-or-nothing way of seeing things so even if something (like marital infidelity) wasn’t as widespread as it seemed, it was huge to me. My mind tends to make things out to be worse than they are. The fact that I’m a huge talk-show fan doesn’t help. My husband is nothing like these men, so I don’t know why I care.

You’d think that being in conservative evangelical circles with a high view of “family values” would help. Nope. In fact, you could say that made it worse. See, a huge deal was made out of submission-the verses most commonly used refer to mutual submission-basically, putting your spouse’s needs ahead of your own. Maybe it was because the husband’s role wasn’t as relevant to us as women, but the admonitions to submit seemed pretty one-sided. If our primary purpose/role in marriage was to please our husband (which was what I heard, but I could be wrong), then it makes sense to think that meeting our husband’s sexual needs was part of it.  Sure, it would be wrong of the man to cheat or leave, but it would still come back to me not taking care of him. Sex wasn’t the only thing, obviously, but it was something I wasn’t familiar with. I could work on everything else. Getting out of those circles was a big help, even if I was imagining things. None of this came to pass, thank God.

It says a lot about him that he’d even think of this, but it occurred to me that they had planned to cheat, or at least put themselves in a position to. It just upsets me to think about stuff like that…like, why do men cheat like that, why are they so selfish that they’d put their desires (as he clearly did) before the people they claim to love? And why do women do this to other women? I couldn’t work things out with a man who cheated because he’s clearly chosen what’s important to him-and it’s not me. Okay, maybe that’s a little harsh. I might be able to work things out but it would take a lot of time, work and prayer to get things back to where I could trust him again. Luckily I have a husband who would never do this. I had no reason to fear, and yet I did. I don’t understand it. Sometimes I love men and hate them at the same time. And there’s really no reason to.

I guess one place I’m going with this is that I’m glad I’m married to a good man and won’t have to worry about this, but it’s sad how many women do. That, and I need to get out more.

I just feel like there’s a lot of pressure put on girls and women to look and act a certain way that really needs to go. We might put some of it on ourselves, which is why we need to bring each other up than tear each other down. We need to put the people we love ahead of other things and consider how our actions and words affect them. If this guy had put his lady’s feelings before the game and said “no” once he saw how it affected her, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. It’s none of my business and I have no reason to judge, but things like this trigger me and I don’t know why. Maybe because of my past, but sometimes I can’t let things go. I hate my mind sometimes.

This woman’s friend said they were going to work it out. Like I said, I couldn’t do it. Not right away, anyway. I have friends (male *and* female) who’ve been in this situation, and I tip my hat to all of them. They are better than me. I wish them luck.

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Light in the Dark

BeautyBeyondBones

I am heart sick tonight.

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Not because of the election.

Not because there’s a rumor that Drake and T. Swift are dating.

But because of a piece of news I heard just the other night.

Over the weekend, at my cousin’s university, there was a tragedy. His roommate: a kind, loving, and incredibly smart young man, passed away after being the victim of a hate crime.

For being Muslim.

He was jumped and ended up in a coma. He passed a day later.

How truly tragic.

I did not know this young man, but my cousin was his best friend and roommate. And it just pains my heart to think that someone could act out in hate towards another person like that.


There’s a lot of rhetoric going around lately about immigrants and muslims and walls and whatnot. It’s nauseatingly pervasive.

And to be quite honest, I don’t exactly know 

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The Self Help Sham

Even though I don’t have the same issues the author does, I can definitely relate. Self-help books never did anything for me. I have to remember to seek God…I might get so wrapped up in my own BS that I forget to pray or ask, but ultimately I know that everything good comes from Him…the meds I take, the talent of the doctors I visit, the counsel of my friends…I might not recognize it or acknowledge it-frankly I’ve been more inclined to hit the doctors up because I know I have a medical problem, not a spiritual one-, but all good things come from Him in the end.

BeautyBeyondBones

One of my favorite things to do in NYC is justwander around.

Especially now that it’s warm out, I like to just put on my sun hat and get lost for a few hours on a Saturday.

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There’s nevera lack of things to do or explore.

Like just the other day, I happened upon a person playing the didgeridoo.

The didgeridoo.

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On the street corner. Busking.

Like, you were able to smugglethat thing all the way from Australia, and yet here you are busking for money? How’d ya swing that?

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But on those exploration afternoons,somehow, I always seem to end up at my favorite frozen yogurt shop. Which just so happens to be next to a big bookstore.

You guys…

It hurts my heart to think that actualbookstores are becoming extinct.

Seriously. Enough of thisE-Reader crap. Let’s get back to real, hard bound, turn-the-page books!

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Happy People & Positivity: An Annoying Trend

This post from a friend of mine is spot-on…It’s not that happy or positive people annoy me so much (I’m often one of them) so much as that some people speak as though positive thoughts are the be-all, end-all of healing…while I know how destructive negative thoughts can be as they mount up, it’s not always a *matter* of thoughts. Sometimes it truly is a physical, medical problem. Good thoughts certainly help, but to imply that someone with a medical condition only has the problems they do because they lack faith/don’t think the right way/etc is beyond insulting. Like La Sabrosona states, no one would ever say that about cancer or learning disabilities. It’s really easy to sum something up as being due to “laziness” or “thinking badly” when it doesn’t affect you or someone you love.

Come to think of it, I *do* know of some people who would say that about at least *some* learning disabilities. I’m just glad I’m not their kid.


Love/Hate Challenge

http://justplainolvic.com/2015/06/07/lovehate-challenge/comment-page-1/#comment-2026

I got this idea from “Just Plain ‘Ol Vic”. Basically, we name ten things we love and ten we hate. I’m not that interesting so you might not care one way or another, but here are my lists.

 

Love-

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-God, although I don’t show it well
-My husband
-My cats…animals in general, really. I have five of them. I would take home every homeless little whatever if I could.
-My family and friends
-The joy my friends’ little girls show toward everything. I still think it’s sweet how one of them saw me across her yard and ran to hug me at full speed. That was two years ago, but I still love it.
-Chocolate!
-The sheer beauty of nature, especially flowers and animals.
-Mediterranean food. It’s the main way I get my husband to eat salad.
-Movies, music and TV. I just wish I had a talent or way to get into any of these, particularly music. I can carry a tune in a bucket, but that’s about it.
-Taking pictures. At this time I only use my phone and iPod, which have surprisingly good cameras. Even so, I would love to learn how to take professional-grade pictures with professional-grade equipment. I think there’s a digital camera around here somewhere, but it’s not mine.

 

 I like most people until they give me a reason not to. I think that, aside from earning our salvation  (because that’s just not going to happen), non-perfect humans have the capacity for good and the capacity for evil.  There might be a few on the far ends of the spectrum…I guess the Mother Teresas and Hitlers of the world…but, for most of us, it’s a matter of degrees.  Jesus is the only perfect person who ever lived, but that tends to happen when you’re the son of God.

 

Hate-

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-Snobby people
-People who are racist/sexist/homophobic/etc
-Beer…although there are some hard ciders or flavored beers (i.e. Redd’s Apple Ale) I like
-The smell of fish and liver pudding. Don’t ask.
-The way I get obsessed with things like TV because I don’t have a job or much going on outside the home. I also hate that I’ve not been able to work, so money isn’t our friend either.
-People who go out of their way to make everyone else miserable. They can’t stand to see anyone happy because they want everyone else to be as ill-tempered as they are.
-People who hurt animals
-The way I can be selfish and frustrated sometimes
-The fact that I can get so stuck up my own butt that I don’t catch the things going on with other people around me. I especially hate it if I get a guilt trip about it.
-People who are mean just for the sake of being mean

Wow, I always thought of myself as a positive person, and yet I found it a lot easier to think of things I hated than things I loved. Maybe it’s because I don’t spend as much time thinking about things I love enough to be able to put them into words? No, that’s sad. Maybe it’s because I like most things (or am at least ambivalent toward them), so it’s easier to narrow the things I hate down? I don’t know. I just think that life is too short to go around throwing fits and arguing with people over trifles. Most things like what soda you get, who cleans the catbox or what food you bring to a party aren’t things worth bickering about, especially in front of other people. Some people call this being a doormat, but I call it picking my battles. Most of them aren’t worth fighting.

Now, it’s my turn to “tag” ten other bloggers. Hopefully they won’t mind.
-DA Ugly Duckling http://dauglyducklin.org/
-Express with NeJae http://blog.nejae.com/
-Notes From The UK http://notesfromtheuk.com/
-Cee’s Photography http://ceenphotography.com

 

I’m not as active in the blogging world as some I know. Again, I hope they don’t mind.

 Oh, and, I did think of one other thing I love.
 -A full moon reflecting on a perfectly still tide
I grew up on the beach. I think I’ll always love stuff like that.

Be Gracious, Lord: A Reflection on Psalm 6

Reblogging because Tony Roberts is a very spiritual and generally awesome person…and, well, I was blessed by reading it and perhaps you will be too.


Being Led: Delight in Disorder Tuesday

…from a pastor who also suffers from bipolar.


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