Category Archives: whine

I Feel Like a F*ing Freak Sometimes

(I started this a couple of years ago, but I just now decided to publish it. Sad, I know. 😊)

Warning: This is a very raw, emotional post that contains a lot of bad language. If you’re offended by such things-especially from a Christian-you might want to look away.

I’m so fucking upset and embarrassed right now that I didn’t want to go to bed without at least writing some of this down. If I don’t get it out here, it will probably come out in some place I really don’t want it to and will just make me feel worse.

Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve talked to myself. A lot of people do this, I’m told, but I’ve been given a lot of grief about it because apparently the things that I think I’m keeping to myself are coming out in mutterings I’m not aware of. I have no idea how to not do this because, as I said, I don’t realize it’s happening to begin with. It was brought to my attention that every little negative emotion I have, every little frustration or annoyance is being made public because I don’t know how to keep my mouth shut even if I try to. It’s really weird but I don’t know what to do about it. Everybody-my coworkers, the manager-hell, even the owner notices and I have no idea how to stop. Like I said, I never knew I was doing it at all. I was told about this tonight after having had such a good time talking and was so embarrassed that all I wanted to do was leave so I could get into my car and cry.

I’m so scared that I will be-

A) The crazy bitch who talks to herself that no one likes;

B) The completely incompetent bitch no one likes;

C) The person who can’t keep her mouth shut to save her life and embarrasses herself . People say that they like me and that I’m entertaining, which I definitely like…I’m glad I can make people laugh but sometimes I wish I could just keep my mouth shut around certain people…damned near everyone, really. If I can figure out how to stop muttering to myself audibly, then perhaps I can get a handle on the whole “diarrhea of the mouth” thing.

It’s the same thing anywhere I work-I make stupid mistakes and am so insecure about it that if my mistakes don’t bother people, the insecurity does. When you’re in a situation where it feels like someone is looking for things to fuss at you about like I was before one of the trainers quit-she was upset she didn’t get a certain job and took her shit out on me-, you end up so afraid to do something wrong that you end up doing even worse than you did before. Even if I’m not being dumped on, I expect to be because that’s what’s happened in the past and it sort of becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  The fear, the being “scary” (meaning, being scared) gets to people but I don’t know how to stop it.

I make the dumbest mistakes (turning in an order late, bringing out things in the wrong order) that I’m informed should be behind someone who has been there as long as I have. I know that. I got yelled at today and got into a fussing match with a couple of trainers because of the fact that I don’t listen and get defensive when someone tries to correct me…excuse me, I *do* listen. I know it’s frustrating that I don’t remember things that were told to me, but that’s why I get disability to begin with. Why I have to have Klonopin to work (although I don’t take it much) or why I keep having people lose patience with me because they think I’m a total idiot when…well, actually I think that last part is true. At least sometimes. Imagine how frustrating it is to have to ask the same questions because you don’t remember. People sometimes treat me as though I have early-onset Alzheimer’s because of it-in fact, that condition was mentioned by name once.

And yes, I took it personally and do so naturally, but I don’t know how not to take it personally when someone is telling you how frustrating it is to deal with you because they have to repeat things over and over again. And ironically, that point-that they have to cover things over and over again-is belabored more than anything else. Yes, I feel like I’m being picked on by certain people, and I’m not the only one.  I don’t think I’m being bullied or whatever-I know that all too well-, but I seem to think the worst or feel like things are more intense emotionally than they really are.

I’ve never been able to take criticism well, especially when it comes in certain forms and from certain people. I’ve always taken things personally, I guess because I care so much about what other people think and I want relationships with those around me. I don’t want people to think badly of me, I don’t want things to be uncomfortable and I don’t want to do things that bother people. I don’t remember how this started, but I’ve always felt that “people getting bothered with me=doing something wrong=bad person”. And holy crap did some people take advantage of that. I don’t think it was a matter of anyone actively telling me that so much as seeing my parents fight with my sister…she did things that bothered my parents so they sent her away for a year to live with my aunt in California. Turns out she went to rehab out there and asked to go, but all I saw was that she misbehaved (got bad grades, got into trouble, etc), made my parents mad and then got sent away because they didn’t want her anymore. Ah, the mind of a ten-year-old.

I know I come off as defensive and smart-assed when I say stuff like “okay, I know, I know, I screwed up, I’m stupid…” stuff like that. I know it sounds like I’m blowing off what they said to me, but I’m not. What I’m doing is saying I know what you’re going to say, so can we move on. I didn’t realize how snotty that sounded. But now a couple of people are probably not going to want to talk to me again-in fact, one told me not to and that it wasn’t worth it trying to tell me anything. Now I know that that sort of talk says nothing about me and everything about her. I’m just afraid no one is going to want to talk to me and, like I said before, I’ll be the incompetent, crazy bitch everyone hates.

What sucks is that I was having such a rock-star day before that. And people were saying as much.

Looking back, I can see a marked difference in the way that I think and understand things now than I did before the bipolar/ADHD/whatever set on. I was the smart kid in class and now I’m the airhead. I don’t remember things I need to but hold onto things I don’t…I don’t understand things and sometimes people get frustrated with me, saying that I should ask for clarification if I need it. The problem is, I don’t think to ask because I think I *am* getting it-that I *do* understand things. People think I don’t listen when I do, I just don’t remember well. That’s the thing about ADHD-a lot of the times you can’t really learn anything because there is so much else going on in your head that new information can’t find any room. It’s not that you don’t pay attention to anything so much as that you pay attention to *everything* whether you want to or not-you can’t tune things out and focus the way other people can because your mind is literally so crowded you can’t cram in a single new thing. It’s like that closet everyone has in their house where they put whatever doesn’t go anywhere else-so much random stuff gets put in there that, whenever you have something you really *do* need to find a place for, it won’t fit. I know I might talk about the ADHD/bipolar/whatever too much and sound like I’m making excuses. However, this isn’t an excuse-it’s the truth.

I might be misinterpreting things…I have a really bad habit of assuming that other people’s thoughtless or rude behavior has something to do with me. I think I’m justified in this, though, because it’s happened in other jobs I’ve had-I didn’t do a good job for whatever reason and people who used to talk to me decided I didn’t have any other good qualities and I became the pariah. What’s really bad is that I don’t understand why this happens-maybe it’s because I’ve always been the slow one, but I’ve been the one to come to the defense of someone who’s being dumped on unnecessarily. A good friend of mine at work used to have people talk shit behind her back about how stupid she was and make fun of her the way you’d expect from a schoolyard bully. Now that she’s gone, I worry that I’m going to be That Person again. I may not have been that person here at all, but it’s hard to let go of that dread when it’s happened to you so many times before. I know I have some friends but I’m just incredibly embarrassed and feel I will always be that social outcast, the one nobody likes.

Thing is, I make really good tips. I seem to always screw up at least one order a day, but I make good tips so it must not be too bad…it’s not the customers I’m concerned about so much as being embarrassed that so much of my feelings are being put on display for my coworkers. Yes, I’m airing all my crap out in public here too, but the difference is that I *chose* to write this…I don’t *choose* to mutter angry things to myself where everyone can hear.

It doesn’t matter what the fuck I do because I either can’t afford therapy or don’t have time…hey, maybe since I’m making a bit more money I’ll be able to afford it. I haven’t been able to go to church or do much of anything because on the rare days I get off I’m so exhausted that I can’t get off the couch. The thing is, I love my job. I’m just so embarrassed to be around anyone that I just want to crawl into my bed and die. Or, at least never show my face again.

Also…oh fuck it. He already knows. He knows, and I’m not sure he minds.

I used to have a pathetic little geek-crush on the busboy who’s literally nearly half my age. His mom came to pick him up once and she’s probably only a few years older than me. Shit. It’s not like I’d ever take it anywhere, but I couldn’t keep my mouth shut about it and now it’s all out there, how fucking sad this is. I told someone that it had “fuck-all to do with him personally and everything to do with the pretty girl hoping she’s still pretty”. Now, I’m not so sure that’s true. He’s like the younger version of my husband, so perhaps it’s some sort of pathetic mid-life-crisis bullshit where I want to have my cake and eat it too.  He’s gone now, but I really miss having a guy to hang around with.

Oh, well. Maybe I just need sleep. If anyone has any ideas on how to stop talking to myself where others can hear-or at least make myself aware of it-that don’t involve sectioning me. I’m all ears. Ditto taking shit personally…I think I need to work on that last one more than anything else.


Christmas list?

This post was originally published in December 2010, but I thought it could use an update. Even though I am working now, I still can’t help but feel like crap because half the time I forget things that are easy for everyone else to remember and I seem to always be doing something wrong. I’m not saying that because I get constant criticism, although it feels like that sometimes. I’m saying that because I’m oversensitive and tend to respond to things like the tones people use when sometimes it’s better to remember that that’s just how someone talks or that this isn’t a good time of the year for me in general. It’s better this year than it has been because I’m working and making money, although I do wish I could see my family and friends more often. Anyway, back to your regularly-scheduled whine-fest.

My husband asked me what I wanted for Christmas. The first things I thought of were a Bible with the Apocrypha in it and/or one of my favorite party games. Of course, we’d actually have to *have* parties in order to play said game, but that’s something else entirely. I can think of a few things I’d like, but I don’t think they would be something he could give me. For instance:

-He can’t give me my brain back. One thing I hate to no end is that I feel like I am ‘slipping’…everyone else ‘gets’ things that I don’t, and I keep missing and forgetting things. I don’t want to immediately say it’s because of my bipolar and/or ADHD, but that’s probably the most likely scenario. My doctors have told me that it affects the way I think; I test lower on IQ tests than I did before because my brain works differently (well, assuming it works at all 😛 ). Seriously. I’ve been told over and over again that I ‘don’t think’ or whatnot, but that’s not true at all. I *do* think, I just tend to think so fast that nothing really ‘sticks’. My last few employers-you know, the two jobs I was fired from in two weeks-can attest to that. It’s just so frustrating, because I feel like everyone else is smarter than me and understands everything much better. Maybe this is true, but maybe I’m just *different*, not any less or any more. I don’t know.

-He can’t help me lose weight. Maybe he can in terms of eating more vegetables and less fatty stuff, but he can’t exercise for me or stop me from liking things like soda and cookies. I feel like I’ve nagged him enough about that in terms of getting him to buy veggies and fruit for produce, although truth be told I really don’t push anywhere near as much as I could. Still, I know that money has been really tight for us and that he feels like the stuff we can afford is often the stuff that’s really the worst for us. He doesn’t say it like that, but that’s what it comes out to. We *do* get canned veggies but It’s up to me to actually *eat* them, or to choose them over other stuff when I have a choice.

-He can’t help me get motivated to do, well, anything. I have so many projects I’ve started that I haven’t finished and don’t really know if I will. A children’s book, a novel of sorts, a few other writing projects…at least I’ve had some stories published, although they haven’t sold yet and *ahem* aren’t the type of stories you let your dad read. I have a couple of tabs open in my browser right now for things I keep meaning to read, but somehow never get around to it because I’m so easily distracted. Maybe at some point I’ll stop playing Facebook games long enough to read the stuff I’m supposed to read on Beliefnet for my job, and Slater, get off the counter,then do some writing I get paid for and Dr Phil’s head looks particularly shiny today….oops, got distracted again.

-He can’t get me to stand up for myself the way I need to.

-He can’t ward off my depression or make other people do stuff with us. They have their own lives and I totally appreciate that, but sometimes I just get bored with the same old thing. Boredom often leads to depression with me and, since I don’t work outside of the home, I get bored quite a bit. It’s gotten better now that we’ve paid the car off and I’ve been doing more stuff at church. Just to get out among other people-especially more women since most of my friends here are men-really helps. Even so, sometimes I still feel really “meh”. Which leads me to my next point:

-He can’t make me feel like less of a piece of crap because I get disability even though a lot of the time I feel as though I can work. I know from experience that my mental issues cause major problems and my physical issues aren’t much better, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling as though I’m one of those “sponges” or “cheats” some people rant about. I would never, ever say that to someone else, but I’ll say that to myself. Hmm.

He can’t change the past, which is ultimately what it would take to ward this off.

That’s just it. He can’t change the past. I know he would if he could, though. The only thing that can be done is to get to be more comfortable and content with the way things are and to try and improve things from there, but that’s something I have to do for myself. I have to ask God to help me with that every day, if I remember. That’s really sad, ‘if I remember’, but the point is that he can’t do it for me because it’s not *for* him to do. It’s for me, with God’s help. And I need all the help I can get.

*sigh*

Maybe I should just stick with new jeans and some bras to replace the ones I can’t wear anymore. That would require a lot less explanation.


Soil or thorns?

Warning: A very long and crappily-written whine sits below. I’m not sure if “crappily” is really a word, but there’s a first time for everything.

I was reading an essay from on Bible.com talking about how to know if you’re ready for the Second Coming. I don’t normally think about the Second Coming at all (which the article said wasn’t a good thing), but I thought of it because there was a “blood moon” last night-a lunar eclipse that made the moon look blood-red. I’m not sure how that happens, but that’s not really important. I’m not sure I’m ready, or if it’s really something I should think about.

Anyway, I got to a part about soils, which reminded me of the parable of the seed sower…some fell among the rocks (didn’t take root at all), some in the thorns (that took root but it wasn’t very deep and could easily be removed), others fell into the fertile soil, took root, and grew. There was a point in my life that I would have considered myself one of the seeds in the soil…hungry for the presence of God, devout in public and in private, taking root and growing. For the past few years, however, I’ve felt like a “thorn”. Or, in keeping with the story, “among the thorns”. It’s not that I lack faith or have stopped trusting Jesus so much as that I don’t think about Him as much as I used to, don’t always keep myself from sin, don’t read/pray as much/go to church/seek to serve.  When I do pray, it’s more of a short babble than anything else. I can’t remember anything in the sermons or liturgy in church, assuming I’ve paid attention to begin with. That bothers me, but what bothers me the most is that I used to feel God’s presence and love very deeply. Even if I wasn’t bouncing up and down in my seat with joy, I felt a deep happiness and peace. Other times, I felt a deep gratitude, a deep feeling of reverence and felt the significance of everything around me.  But I don’t anymore. I don’t feel much of anything. I know that I should appreciate things like that, should be hungry for God, should seek Jesus and put Him first in my daily life. That I should make Him my master. And yet, I sometimes see church or Bible study as an obligation, a duty. I don’t have the excitement I used to, or the deep love and need I see in other people. I don’t feel the “high” I used to…come to think of it, I don’t feel the “low” either. I don’t feel anything.

I spend a lot of time reading online and playing Candy Crush on the couch with Grey’s Anatomy or Bones on in the background. I know I should do more, serve more, write more (for pay or otherwise), but I don’t. I end up wasting time without intending to. I’d say it’s depression, but I don’t feel sad. I don’t feel hopeless or helpless. I don’t feel anything.

Do you see the pattern here?

I know it’s possible that it could be my medications at work. I know it’s possible that I could just be deeply bored. It’s just frustrating that I can’t tell if this is the reason I feel so numb or if it’s become I’ve become a “thorn”. If I have either moved to different soil or never was that deep in the first place.

Is it possible for someone to become a thorn, to be choked by the weeds in the rougher part of the soil when you used to be deeper?

I know I should do something about this, but I know that the moment I get off of the computer here I’m either going to take a nap or go back to watching Dr. Phil while playing games on my iPod. If I start a “program” or whatever, I know I have a tendency to forget about things and never finish what I start. I haven’t finished a book in months.

My friend K told me that the fact that I know I should be feeling something, know that something is significant and powerful means that I’m on the right track. She also says that my bipolar/ADHD could be to blame, since one of the major problems is the inability for anything to “stick”. The Velcro doesn’t work. I wonder, though, if this is true or if it will be seen by God as an “excuse” for an unwilling, seared and stale heart or if this is part of what’s behind my numbness.

So I ask anyone reading this-is it possible for someone to have thought they had taken root when they actually hadn’t? Or maybe they took root, but they weren’t as deep as you thought? Is the numbness something all Christians deal with, or is it just me? I know that my current Episcopal church is nowhere near as emotionally-charged as the Baptist/Pentecostal/non-denominational churches of my past*, but I used to think that was a good thing. Is it really? I have no desire to go back.  Does my lack of thought and feeling mean I’m not really saved, not ready and never will be?

And how can I get that “about me” section below every post to stop showing up? 🙂

Thanks for indulging me.  I’d better give Haley (cat) her pill and let her out before she plots her revenge on me. Assuming she hasn’t already. 🙂

*In fact, the numbness was part of why I left. It was the inability to feel God’s presence, the feeling that He hated me and left me, that pushed me to seek treatment for bipolar. I’d suggest this was the case now, but I’d have to feel something to do that. Oops.


The Darkness Within

Forgive me for the randomness and rambling, but I’m in a strange mood I can’t seem to shake.  …not even with ridiculous Bell Biv DeVoe songs, so you *know* must be bad. 🙂

There have been a lot of really messy things in my life, things I can’t always explain. It’s been easy compared to others, but sometimes I feel as though my own heart, my own mind is taking revenge on me. I know it could be worse, but sometimes it is hard for me to see that.

I have an illness-bipolar disorder-that can make me feel as though there were something else inside of me, controlling my thoughts and actions. I do not want this thing to define me or rule my life, but there are times when I can’t really do anything else.  An ex once told me it was a “demon” or “spirit” that needed to be cast out, which I will explain in another blog post. I would normally say he’s full of shit, and I still think he is, but the truth is that it can sometimes feel as though he is right.  He might have meant well but the truth is that he doesn’t understand this, and probably never will. I don’t fault him or anyone else for that, especially considering the fact that sometimes I don’t understand it either. I can read all the self-help books in the world, can spend hours in prayer, do all the things that work for everyone else but for whatever reason, it doesn’t always help.  I’m not saying these things are useless by any means, but they are not the “cures” they are for other people. Again, I don’t want it to define me but I can’t think of any other reason. I’ve had some form of depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember, but I thought it was just normal pubescent angst or a weakness on my part.  As positive and friendly as I usually am, medication has been my saving grace. Surely there is some reason God is allowing me to have all this-in fact, I know there is -but damned if I can figure out what it is sometimes. People give me advice, and I appreciate their concern. There are just some things that people-however well meaning they might be-simply won’t understand until they have been there themselves.

Sometimes, though, I hear something that speaks to me…that tells me, this person knows what’s in my head. This person has ‘been there’…

I love Nine Inch Nails* for this very reason…listening to Trent Reznor and people like him can be very cathartic. Anyone who writes like this just knows:

Hurt*

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real

The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

 

So I don’t run afoul of any copyright laws, you can hear and read the rest here: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/johnnycash/hurt.html

And as if that wasn’t dark enough:

Something I Can Never Have

 

I still recall the taste of your tears.
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.

[Chorus:]
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I’m down to just one thing.
And I’m starting to scare myself.
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have

Again, copyright: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/nineinchnails/somethingicanneverhave.html

I’m not quite as dramatic as all that, but it is a strange comfort to me to have this sort of thing to refer to,  if only for inspiration for my own (crappy) writing.

*This is the Johnny Cash cover; his voice just fits so well.


Things I hate the most

I’m usually a positive person. At least, that’s what people keep telling me. I’m very open and accepting when it comes to people who are different from me. I rarely get angry and, if I do, it’s for a damned good reason. I have many friends who tell me that I have a gift for making people feel calm and secure. I care a lot about other people and am more than willing to put myself out for them, even if I don’t expect them to do so for me. I found a great therapist on referral from a great church family and truly enjoy being part of things. I guess that’s what makes tonight’s mood-and ensuing blog post-so frustrating. Here goes:

The Things I Hate The Most:

-I hate how I can’t focus. I remember so many times being told that God is the answer for all that ails you and that you’ll never thirst again after knowing Him…blah blah blah…I don’t mean to sound dismissive, and at one point I really believed it to be true. As it is now, though, I want to believe, I want to pray, I want to behave and have a clean heart, but I can’t focus long enough to understand anything that’s being said to me, in church or in the Bible. I just can’t get focused, which means I don’t understand things, which means I get frustrated, which means I try to learn more but I’m still unable to focus…you just want to give up. Yes, I have ADHD. Nothing I’ve taken for it beyond what I already take for bipolar helps much.

-I hate how I can’t feel much of anything, positive or negative.

-I hate how I always feel something’s missing, but I have no idea what.

-I hate how I don’t know if I have the type of faith or closeness to God that I need and, if not, what to do about it. If I ever *do* figure out what to do and start on something, I never finish it.

-I hate how hopeless I feel sometimes. About whether we’ll ever have kids, because that means we have to do what it takes to have kids and that never happens, so I feel like I’m getting my hopes up for nothing. That’s just as much my fault as anything else, though.

-I hate how I can’t stop comparing myself to other people no matter how hard I try. There are so many unexamined “shoulds” that constantly come up-your marriage “should” be passionate, because otherwise how will you ever have kids? You’re in your late thirties , so you “should” have had kids by now. You “should” have money in the bank, even if your medical bills and time away from work have dried up all of your savings. You’re smart, so you “should” have a good job, a strong career. Instead, you get Social Security disability and sponge off the system. At least, that’s how other people see me.

Actually, screw that. Screw that and screw them. I know for a fact that Social Security disability is damned hard to get and I didn’t even apply until nearly a year or so after it was originally suggested by one of my doctors. No, instead I kept trying to work but ended up getting so confused and frustrated and upset because I couldn’t “register” what people were telling me. I “broke” one night waitressing and walked out because I couldn’t handle it. In another job, I nearly had a panic attack and had to leave. I get disability because I need it. I worked outside the home for 15 years-since I was 15 and had my first job-and paid into the system the entire time so, if anything, I’m living off my own contributions. Most people I know know this and thus don’t bitch about “the system”, but I have not hesitated to explain it to people in the nicest words I possibly can.

-I hate how easily I get obsessed with things or people because I don’t have much else going on.

-I hate how I get discouraged so easily.

-I hate how I wallow in self-pity when other people have it much worse. I hate how I can’t appreciate what I have because of my own expectations of how I thought things were going to be when I “grew up”. It’s not always like this, but I hate it when it is.

-I hate the way that sometimes I can’t read blogs or see Facebook photos from friends without feeling sorry for myself for not having children. All these pictures of kindergarten graduations or tee-ball uniforms or kids’ soccer games make me feel like I’m missing out on something great all because of something that happened years ago that I don’t remember. The truth is that I have no way of knowing whether or not I would have had children if not for my getting hurt, us having go through all of our savings and all the other things that went on.

Yes, as a matter of fact, it *does* all go back to the wreck. There have been times when I wondered what possible reason God could have had to save me from the death or dismemberment pretty much everyone who’s seen the cars (you can see them here, about halfway down the page) says should have happened. I know there’s a reason for it and that I should be grateful to be alive. I *am* grateful, but sometimes I find myself wondering what things would be like had all that not happened. I know that’s not healthy, but there you have it.

 


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