Tag Archives: angry

Love/Hate Challenge

http://justplainolvic.com/2015/06/07/lovehate-challenge/comment-page-1/#comment-2026

I got this idea from “Just Plain ‘Ol Vic”. Basically, we name ten things we love and ten we hate. I’m not that interesting so you might not care one way or another, but here are my lists.

 

Love-

Red Curly Hearts clip art

-God, although I don’t show it well
-My husband
-My cats…animals in general, really. I have five of them. I would take home every homeless little whatever if I could.
-My family and friends
-The joy my friends’ little girls show toward everything. I still think it’s sweet how one of them saw me across her yard and ran to hug me at full speed. That was two years ago, but I still love it.
-Chocolate!
-The sheer beauty of nature, especially flowers and animals.
-Mediterranean food. It’s the main way I get my husband to eat salad.
-Movies, music and TV. I just wish I had a talent or way to get into any of these, particularly music. I can carry a tune in a bucket, but that’s about it.
-Taking pictures. At this time I only use my phone and iPod, which have surprisingly good cameras. Even so, I would love to learn how to take professional-grade pictures with professional-grade equipment. I think there’s a digital camera around here somewhere, but it’s not mine.

 

 I like most people until they give me a reason not to. I think that, aside from earning our salvation  (because that’s just not going to happen), non-perfect humans have the capacity for good and the capacity for evil.  There might be a few on the far ends of the spectrum…I guess the Mother Teresas and Hitlers of the world…but, for most of us, it’s a matter of degrees.  Jesus is the only perfect person who ever lived, but that tends to happen when you’re the son of God.

 

Hate-

Proud Nerd Image clip art

-Snobby people
-People who are racist/sexist/homophobic/etc
-Beer…although there are some hard ciders or flavored beers (i.e. Redd’s Apple Ale) I like
-The smell of fish and liver pudding. Don’t ask.
-The way I get obsessed with things like TV because I don’t have a job or much going on outside the home. I also hate that I’ve not been able to work, so money isn’t our friend either.
-People who go out of their way to make everyone else miserable. They can’t stand to see anyone happy because they want everyone else to be as ill-tempered as they are.
-People who hurt animals
-The way I can be selfish and frustrated sometimes
-The fact that I can get so stuck up my own butt that I don’t catch the things going on with other people around me. I especially hate it if I get a guilt trip about it.
-People who are mean just for the sake of being mean

Wow, I always thought of myself as a positive person, and yet I found it a lot easier to think of things I hated than things I loved. Maybe it’s because I don’t spend as much time thinking about things I love enough to be able to put them into words? No, that’s sad. Maybe it’s because I like most things (or am at least ambivalent toward them), so it’s easier to narrow the things I hate down? I don’t know. I just think that life is too short to go around throwing fits and arguing with people over trifles. Most things like what soda you get, who cleans the catbox or what food you bring to a party aren’t things worth bickering about, especially in front of other people. Some people call this being a doormat, but I call it picking my battles. Most of them aren’t worth fighting.

Now, it’s my turn to “tag” ten other bloggers. Hopefully they won’t mind.
-DA Ugly Duckling http://dauglyducklin.org/
-Express with NeJae http://blog.nejae.com/
-Notes From The UK http://notesfromtheuk.com/
-Cee’s Photography http://ceenphotography.com

 

I’m not as active in the blogging world as some I know. Again, I hope they don’t mind.

 Oh, and, I did think of one other thing I love.
 -A full moon reflecting on a perfectly still tide
I grew up on the beach. I think I’ll always love stuff like that.

Sweet Revenge?

When I was doing housework this afternoon (yes, it *does* happen :P), I had my iTunes going on in the background. For some reason, lately I always have to have something going on in the background, even if it’s only in my own mind. 🙂 Anyway, the song, “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood came on. I *love* that song, and I’m not normally into country. The chorus got me thinking:

“I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive/ Carved my name into his leather seat/ Took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights/ Slashed a hole in all four tires/ Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats!”

To anyone who hasn’t heard it, it’s basically the anthem to all jilted or ‘scorned’ women anywhere. I’ve certainly found myself in that category on a number of occasions, but I never really found myself wanting to do anything quite *that* severe to get back at any of my exes (or false girl friends, for that matter). Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had plenty of angst that just *had* to come out. In fact, some of my best poetry was inspired by such incidents and relationships, some of which is on this blog (I think…). You can *definitely* tell that Alanis Morrisette and Melissa Etheridge are some of my strongest artistic influences. 🙂 Even so, I’ve never really gone out of my way to get back at someone who hurt me.

Actually, scratch that. There *was* the time when I called up an ex’s mother and told her all of the awful stuff he did to me, but that wasn’t my finest half hour and I certainly had plenty of fodder. There were also many late nights with my girlfriends making fun of the guy and burning him in effigy (I’m joking; we weren’t allowed candles in the dorm 😛 ).

I never did anything as severe as screwing with anyone’s car, but I *did* once have to hide mine to keep it from happening to me.

The ex I mention above, whose mom I called, was in a class by himself. When I say ‘class’, I really mean ‘circle of Hell’. 🙂 This is a guy who would harass any guy who showed interest in me (when we were broken up!) and then swooped in to play the hero when the other guys left me. Anyway, he was in ROTC and had these two guys, I and F, hanging around who were a year behind him and sort of his ‘subordinates’. That’s how he made it sound, anyway-I don’t know how it works in ROTC. The day before I was going to break up with him, I remembered some of the stupid ‘pledge’ or ‘hazing’ things the guys had to do, some of which were pretty destructive. I moved my car all the way across campus because I was afraid that, once I broke up with my ex, he’d have his ‘goons’ key my car and slash my tires. I’m not at all sorry for thinking this.

Actually, scratch that. I *am* sorry. Not for thinking that about my ex, because neither I nor any of my friends had a problem believing he would be capable of something like that. No, I’m sorry for thinking that I and F would for one minute *consider* pulling a stunt like that. These are two decent guys who didn’t deserve to be painted as mindless drones who would do such a thing, ‘ordered to’ or not. I’m sure they turned out well. Guys, I’m sorry I called you “goons”, even though you’ll probably never hear of it.

Either way, we’ve all moved on to bigger and better things. I’ve had quite a few more boyfriends, some of whom I still talk to sometimes. Sometimes things just don’t work out, however good the guys are. There’s only *one* more boyfriend who inspired more nasty poetry, but I brought the pain on myself for getting involved with him to begin with. I knew the relationship never should have happened, and I did it anyway. Trust me, I’ve learned my lesson.

Speaking of which, I wonder if Carrie would like any help writing her next hit ‘men are scum’ song? Because I’ve got sheets and sheets of the stuff. I’m not an angry person, but I really enjoyed writing about it all. At least that way, I can put the annoying angsty stuff to good use. 🙂


Bitchfest post #1

I’ve been in rare bitch form lately. I guess it could be because of being bored, tired and that it’s obscenely hot outside, but I’m not sure. Maybe I just need to take a break from Beliefnet, since that’s where some of it comes from. Oh well. I’ve gotta get some stuff off my chest.

1. Why the fuck is there supposed to be a ‘Christian’ opinion on everything? I’m seeing threads about what the ‘Christian’ opinion is on how many kids someone should have, what the ‘Christian’ opinion is about working on Sunday, etc. Normally I wouldn’t care much (well, the first one might be annoying), but the people who start threads like this and who do the most bloviating about what a ‘Christian’ family should look like usually have no children, are not married, perhaps never even had a boyfriend, and sometimes has never even lived on their own. Not to say that this makes them bad people, but it does make them people who don’t know shit about what it means to be married or have kids, and are in no position to preach to those of us who do. I don’t have kids now, which is why you will only see me on threads like that saying that I’m not going to tell anyone else what to do in that area because it’s between them and God, not me. I also don’t want to hear Canadians going on about people having kids they can’t afford and being a ‘drain on the American welfare system’ or that people shouldn’t ‘be allowed’ to have kids if they can’t afford them (yes, that was the question I saw asked, should people be allowed to have kids if they can’t afford them). Maybe they have the same setup in Canada that we do here with welfare, I don’t know, but someone really shouldn’t pretend to know first-hand about things when they don’t. Although I do that too sometimes, so maybe my irritation here is karma for irritating others with my bloviating. 😦 I know one person as a friend and she doesn’t mean harm. I know where she’s coming from, which might be part of my irritation. She’s a member of a conservative Christian denomination that I used to be part of as well (sort of), and that particular denomination does seem to venture an opinion about everything from your entertainment choices to politics to what kind of clothes you buy at the store. Not all are like this, certainly, but I am much more comfortable in a church that doesn’t have a problem with ambiguity sometimes and views the Bible as authoritative on matters of faith and life but not on science or, well, anything else. IINM (If I’m Not Mistaken), the Bible never even claims to be any of those other things. I’m just not really comfortable with the legalistic sort of viewpoint I hear in the posts, and I would probably feel the same way if it were anyone else posting. Which leads me to…

2) I hate it when people post long strings of Scripture out of context and expect us to take it as authoritative for their opinion. By this, I’m thinking of some people who will just slap up a few verses in answer to another post, but not give a whole lot of their own words. When we take the posts in a way the person didn’t intend, it’s even more frustrating because, well, how can we tell what you mean when you don’t say it? Either that, or they’ll say, ‘hey, you’re disagreeing with God, not me’ or ‘you’d know what I was talking about if you really took Scripture seriously/knew anything/were a Real Christian ™/etc’. Honestly, I don’t even read half of what some people post because this type of ‘talking down’ is all they do. I might not be doing my job as a host because I might miss stuff in my ‘scrolling’, but something tells me I’m not missing anything. I guess the same thing goes about people who post ‘lectures’ without really wanting to talk about them…I respect that they have an opinion, but Beliefnet boards are discussion boards, not lectures or blogs. LOL I’m glad I don’t have to share here, but discussion boards aren’t like that. We go to them to talk about things with others…IOW, discuss or debate. I know where to go if I want to be preached at.

3) Slater, get off the counter.

4) I hate how I sometimes trust people too much and get hurt. Or feel sorry for myself over stupid shit when I have so much to be thankful for. Luckily the former hasn’t happened too much lately. I also hate how I can be so damned self-absorbed that I miss so much of what is going on around me. I didn’t know about my sister’s health issues, for one thing. But then, neither did my dad, but I might have just gotten upset because I rarely get to see my family and yet they get to see each other pretty often. Granted, a lot of them live in one place, but I wish I had the money or time to visit. That’s not anyone’s fault, just something I have to live with. I live a really long way away from everyone, and while I’ve always been kind of ‘distant’, I hope no one thinks that means I don’t care. My life has been kind of boring lately, so there’s not really much in the way of ‘news’ to tell.

5) The Georgia Department of Labor has got to be one of the most incompetent agencies I’ve ever worked with. Long, aggravating story short, this is the second time I’ve had to deal with them on the same issue and also the second time I’ve had to appeal to someone higher in our state government to deal with the same issue. Hopefully it will be sorted out this week or so, or else I’ll be out 200 bucks I don’t have that I really don’t owe the DOL, but they say I do.

My bitchiness is winding down, so I think I’ll stop while I’m ahead. Thanks for listening, and feel free to add your own bitchfests. Let’s make this an ‘event’!


Somewhat random whine…

Don’t you hate it when you think you’ve gotten over something, put it behind you, only to realize you hadn’t? To wonder if you never truly can?

Don’t you hate it when you can’t decide whether or not you have a right to feel something, or if you are making too big of a deal out of it? If you are ‘playing the victim’, ‘trying to make everyone feel sorry for you’, or otherwise blowing it out of proportion, to quote the person who did it? To quote your father, even if he wasn’t talking about you?  If you are just being a baby/bitch/whiner/princess/etc? If you are making yourself feel bad on purpose to get attention?

Doesn’t it suck to think all of these bad things or ask all of these questions about yourself when you would never do that if you were talking to a friend with the same feelings?

Doesn’t it bother you when you find yourself making excuses for the person or behavior, or trying to talk yourself out of feeling the way you do? Especially it was this very tendency, this very lack of self-esteem and tendency to look at the positive, that made the abuse possible to begin with?

Should I be afraid I will become bitter? Even if you don’t really see why you would, or don’t think you have, but still wonder about that anyway?

Is it weird for a person who doesn’t believe in taking revenge to inwardly laugh or feel good when her male friends offer to ‘handle’ her ex? Especially the more, um, creative ideas? 🙂

Isn’t it frustrating not to be able to put a name for what happened to you, or to not like the sound of the words? Or to feel that you shouldn’t use the words because they normally apply to something you see as much worse than what happened to you? To feel bad about telling anyone because they’ll be mad at you and think you are ‘belittling’ what happened to them if you use the same terms? Or to wonder if anything out of the ordinary happened at all?

Doesn’t it suck that remembering something or someone that hurt you and being triggered by it makes you question your faith and whether or not you’ve really forgiven? Whether or not you’ve been taking the Eucharist unworthily?* To wonder whether or not you’re going to be forgiven for your sins because you haven’t forgiven someone else’s sins against you?  To question whether or not ‘sins against you’ is even the right phrase for it? To question what forgiveness even means, and to remember every Scripture verse that ‘convicts’ you, but none that comfort you? Especially if this very line of reasoning contributed to the situation you are ‘supposed’ to have forgiven?

Isn’t it awful when you feel like you can’t even trust your own thoughts, feelings, actions or beliefs? When you have to keep repeating the same stuff over and over again to yourself, but it doesn’t seem to sink in? When you ask your friends about things like this that confuse you but are so obvious to everyone else?

Don’t you hate it when everyone else sees something for what it is, but you don’t, no matter how many times you have to beat it into your head?

Don’t you hate feeling that you should be ‘beyond’ something by now? That you should ‘be over it’, Even though you would never say that to someone else?

Isn’t it annoying when you ignore or turn down someone’s Facebook friend request because you want to forget about them, but they keep on asking, so you have to keep on seeing their name until you finally block them?  When seeing that name or picture throws you off and you have to remind yourself that he can’t hurt you again, or that hopefully he’s grown up and just wants to be friendly? When you have to block someone because they don’t get the hint that you don’t want to be their friend the first couple of times you turn them down?

Don’t you hate it when you can’t even look at some of your college photos because you are triggered by the sight of one person in them? And you could go through the photos and put a sticker or something over his face, but that would mean that you actually have to look at him?

Doesn’t it suck that seeing one picture, hearing one name, can make you feel like years of therapy, spiritual counseling, help from others and self help efforts haven’t done anything? As though all of the progress you’ve made disappears into the mist so easily and you have to start all over again, just because you saw a stupid picture?

Doesn’t it annoy you when you don’t know how you will feel about something or someone from one day to the next? When you keep going back and forth between positive and negative, thought and feeling, healing and injury?

Doesn’t it suck not to be able to look at a friend’s profile picture because he reminds you of someone who the very sight of unnerves you?

Don’t you hate it when you have dreams about someone but are doing to them what you should have done back when you knew them? When you wake up feeling rattled, or you think you hear yourself yelling at them in your sleep? But isn’t it oddly satisfying when you beat the crap out of them in your dream?

And isn’t it awful when you write all these questions out and feel better, but hate that you even felt all this stuff in the first place?

*Yes, as a matter of fact, I am a master of worrying, made so by years of experience.  I give lessons on Fridays.  🙂

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Ode to the newspaper lady…

I was reading a friend’s (yes, I have friends…who knew? 😛 ) blog last week when I came across this post. Reading it inspired and infuriated me at the same time. Here is the post I’m referring to:

World Without End-Cold

An excerpt:
I have a “friend” who loudly declared one day that Big Issue sellers “don’t want to work”. I tried to explain, as gently as I could considering how angry I was, that they buy the magazine, mark it up and sell it; that they’re out all day in the rain and wind; that it’s meant as a way for them to work for a living – that they’re working harder than many people will ever have to, and taking the abuse of a snotty public while they’re at it. It didn’t seem to compute. I don’t think the person concerned was expecting to hear an argument, and so he didn’t hear it.

As for his ‘friend’-

I know several people like that, who think that they are the only ones who actually *work* for a living. The person who served them at the coffee shop, the street cleaner, the salesperson in the electronics store? Lazy bums, all of them. It’s usually either that, or that they are in their job because they are ‘lower’ somehow-less intelligent, less educated, not motivated, bitter or generally of ‘lower’ stock. I probably don’t even have to tell you what I’ve heard said about people on public assistance, programs some don’t think should even exist. Either way, they are looking down their noses at anyone who is not in ‘their station’. But then, these people usually have never been in a position to where they have nothing less than top-notch jobs, been laid off or had a hard time of it. It must be nice…but the truth is, I kind of pity them. Sometimes they are arrogant, elitist jerks but, more often than not, they’re just clueless. “Doing what they [customer service workers] do because they don’t want to work?” Trust me, it’s work. Besides, I’m sure a person could find more enjoyable things to do on a Saturday night than park people’s cars. I know I could. Also, how do they know that the person serving them isn’t working through college to get the education they are assumed not to have? How do they know that person doesn’t have three kids at home to feed? They might also look down on a single person with kids, but how do they know that person is single, or is single by choice? How do they know that the person working the cash register at Walmart isn’t a former software engineer who’s been affected by a bad economy and layoffs? How do they know that the job at the coffee shop isn’t a second job the person takes to help pay off student loans? I’ve known people like this. How do they know that the person getting Social Security hasn’t busted her butt working and paying into the system a lot longer than she really should have and only stopped working because she’s been forced to? Yes, I have personal stake in this. Bitter and angry, party of one.

Okay, rant over.

I’ll admit I haven’t always been as gracious as I’m expecting others to be. I have a bachelor’s in communication from one of the best schools in my home state (Go NC State!!!!). I’ve had jobs where I’ve made good salaries-or, what was good for me back then. I was young, and brimming with the delusion of invincibility that comes along with it. I thought ‘it couldn’t happen to me’. Long story short, it did happen to me. I was quickly knocked down by the loss of a job and had to experience first-hand what it was like to work multiple jobs to pay the rent or to live off of credit cards. I have the bankruptcy on my record to prove it. One thing I learned the hard way is that none of us are immune from setbacks; they can happen to anyone, at any time. I know people who have lost considerable amounts of their retirement savings in the stock market. They weren’t irresponsible, but the general economy sunk and took the stock market (and their savings) with it. Now in any given place you can find people who had high-powered jobs but were laid off because their companies had to make cutbacks. Several of my friends can’t work anymore because of an illness. I’ve known of families who are now on food stamps because the main breadwinner got hurt and can’t work anymore. Heck, my husband went through all of his savings taking care of me for the seven months after my wreck that I couldn’t work. These weren’t things that could have been foreseen, otherwise we would have gladly planned. While there is something to be said for saving for a rainy day and thinking about the future, I just want to stress that a person’s job situation isn’t necessarily due to a character flaw or anything the person could have done. Unfortunately, sometimes stuff just happens. I wish it didn’t, but maybe it has a purpose. Few things will teach you the value of human compassion than being in a position where you are on the receiving end!

Speaking of compassion…

I was touched by the fact that my friend wanted to help this young lady, a person he barely knew. That means he spoke with her, actually listened to what she had to say, took an interest in her and thought about her for longer than the two minutes it would take for her to hand him his paper. In other words, he treated her like an ‘equal’ as opposed to The Person Who Is There To Serve Him. I know this might not sound like much but, believe me, it is. As someone who has worked extensively in the service industry (restaurant and retail), I cannot express enough how much it can mean to have a customer notice you as a person. Restaurants have a high employee turnover rate for a reason; the job can be very interesting, but also some of the roughest and most thankless work you’ll ever find. I’ve personally enjoyed many of my service jobs, but there were definitely moments when I’d loved to have given someone a mashed-potato facial. 🙂 However, every now and then you’ll come across the customer who makes you glad you are there. I don’t remember many of the rude customers I’ve had (beyond the extremes), but I definitely remember the ones who took the time to speak with me and showed interest in/concern for me. This might especially make a difference to the person who stands out in freezing-cold weather and sells newspapers for a living; in other words, the person many people pass on the street every day but don’t even notice. We never know; that might be us or someone we love one day. Karma may be a bitch, but she can also do good and God knows we need all the help we can get!


Untitled, written 12/98

(In my defense, I wrote this after hearing something stupid my ex said about me and listening to a lot of Alanis Morrissette.)

I thought you were so perfect
I thought that you’d be mine
How could I be so stupid?
How could I be so blind?

You made me think you wanted me
You even said you cared
I trusted you with everything
I laid my whole heart bare

But what was I to you?
Another page you turned?
As I’m left to throw my dreams away
And watch my teardrops burn?

I’ll never fall in love again
I can’t afford the pain
My heart can’t take the damage
My soul can’t bear the stain

My soul, it died the day you left
My heart, it hit the floor
But you’re still in my dreams at night
You leave me wanting more

I’ve given you my world, my honor
My dreams I dearly prize
How could I throw that all away
For something in your eyes?

But what was I to you?
Another body, another thrill?
Oh what does it matter now
It’s just my soul you killed

(Refrain)

You’ve left me here with nothing
But one lesson, drowned in tears
Because of you, I’ll never trust
But forever live in fear


Broken

Lonely
Living in this empty space
Lonely
For you have gone without a trace
Left me in a desparate place
Crying in disgrace

Faded
Clouded as the sky in rain
Faded
On my heart, you left a stain
I’ll forever live in pain
Driving me insane

But you don’t care, no you don’t care
Now that you’ve had your fun
And you don’t care, no you don’t care
Compassion, you have none

And now I’m Broken
Yes, I’m Broken
Just look at what you’ve done
‘Cause now I’m broken
Yes, I’m broken
And I can’t find the sun

Dying
Drowning in this lake of tears
Dying
Now your voice is all I hear
Playing on my deepest fear
This darkness drawing near

Fallen
Don’t know how much I can take
Fallen
Now that I know your love was fake
And that you’ve burned me at the stake
I feel like I could break

But you don’t care, no you don’t care
My very soul is gone
And you don’t care, no you don’t care
‘Cause in your mind you’ve won

And now I’m broken
Yes I’m broken
Just look at what you’ve done
‘Cause now I’m broken
Yes, I’m broken
And I can’t find the sun

Broken, so scattered is my heart
Broken, completely torn apart

Broken, drowning in a sea of flames
Broken, and I’ll never be the same


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