Tag Archives: funny

Why I’m Going To Hell

I’ve been told by some people that I shouldn’t make jokes about such a ‘serious topic’. For example, I posted a joke thread like this on one of Beliefnet.com’s Christian boards, and the regulars had a field day with it. We figured that, living in the Bible Belt, we hear enough about hellfire and brimstone from guys yelling at us on street corners that we’d have plenty to talk about. This isn’t done out of disrespect for Jesus so much as making fun of the fact that the preachers are usually yelling at women in tank tops or teenagers holding hands when we see them. Of course, the street preachers and super-fundies tell us we’re wrong and shouldn’t make fun of such a “serious matter”. I think judging people for no reason is more disrespectful than anything I could say, but whatever. I’m sure He has a sense of humor; otherwise, how would He deal with us? Anyway, here’s why I’m going to Hell:

-I don’t like Star Wars, and love Spaceballs. ๐Ÿ™‚ In my defense, I had Star Wars kind of pushed on me when I was younger, and that makes me want to push back. Plus, the dialogue stinks. Not that Spaceballs’ dialogue is much better, but I love Mel Brooks and his parodies, particularly when they star Cary Elwes…*drool*…:)

-I know all the words to “Ice Ice Baby“*. Okay, maybe not all the words, but enough to annoy the snot out of my husband.

-I stole this from my friend E and posted it on Facebook:
Gummy Bear Song*

I’ll do her one better and at least tell you to swallow before you watch it.

-I put doll clothes on my cats as a kid…and as an adult. Strangely, Slater didn’t mind the sunglasses and fedora. He didn’t like the pantyhose, though. That’s okay, Slater, neither do I.

-I’ve been known to fill out those silly email surveys and pass them on to my friends. After all, everybody needs to know that I once dressed up as a tube of Clearasil for Halloween and one of my most embarrassing moments in school involved a guy named C and a pickle…:)

-I’ve been known to get obsessed with hotties I see on TV and make up stories about them in my mind. They usually involve a version of me dating the one I have a crush on or dating someone who happens to look like one of them. I’ve done things like this for as long as I can remember, although now they don’t involve anyone I know. A lot of the latter stories take place in college to make up for the presence of a certain person I dated back then, but I only do them for fun. Sometimes this is the only way I can get to sleep at night because of some of the freaky and downright scary thoughts that come in. Damned OCD tendencies.

-Sometimes I “tickle-rape” my husband. ๐Ÿ™‚ At least, that’s what he calls it when I tickle him to wake him up or get back at him for a silly jab he just made.

-Sometimes I do the above in public just so our friends will wonder what a “TR” is.

That’s enough for now. I’d better stop before I have to add, ‘Made fun of the idea of going to Hell’…oops, too late.

What about you? And I apologize if I’ve offended anyone. I’m just feeling like a bit of a smartass today.

 

 

*Opens in the same window. Guess I’m going to Hell for that too.

 


Rap song, by request

Like I mentioned in another post, I once wrote a rap song for a guy. Another blogger, Safe.Amanda, suggested that I post it here so everyone can laugh at my lack of rhythm (okay, I made up that last part). Gotta give the people what they want, right?

For the record, I know how bad this is. I did it that way on purpose, but I really do suck at this kind of thing. The “recipient” (“inspiration”?) has never heard it-at least, not from me-and hopefully has no idea it exists. Anyway, here goes-

Hey you, over there
You know you’re lookin’ mighty fine
With those big green eyes
And that really great behind
 
You know, I’d like to date ya
‘Cause you’re really outta sight
And I’m tellin’ ya now
I won’t go down without a fight
 
But you keep puttin’ me off
Won’t give me the time of day
And to you boy, this is all I gotta say
 
(refrain)
What’s up with you?
What’s goin’ on in your mind
What’s up with you?
You know I’d like to take the time
To get to know ya boy, how ’bout givin’ me a sign?
So what’s up with you
Don’t make wantin’ you a crime
 
Tell me, what’s goin’ on in the back of your mind
I think together, we’d have a real good time
We can wine and dine, and dance ’till dawn
And mow our names into the neighbors’ lawn
 
(I don’t remember these two lines)
What I’m tryin’ to say is, I want you bad
And I know I can’t rhyme, so just cut me some slack
 
(refrain)

That’s it. Now that I’ve posted it, I’m expecting Dr. Dre to call me any minute. ๐Ÿ™‚ I don’t know if there’s a “comically bad” subset in the rap industry but, if there is, I’m on well on my way to stardom. A girl can dream.

See you on the flip side…

 


Sweet Revenge?

When I was doing housework this afternoon (yes, it *does* happen :P), I had my iTunes going on in the background. For some reason, lately I always have to have something going on in the background, even if it’s only in my own mind. ๐Ÿ™‚ Anyway, the song, “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood came on. I *love* that song, and I’m not normally into country. The chorus got me thinking:

“I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive/ Carved my name into his leather seat/ Took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights/ Slashed a hole in all four tires/ Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats!”

To anyone who hasn’t heard it, it’s basically the anthem to all jilted or ‘scorned’ women anywhere. I’ve certainly found myself in that category on a number of occasions, but I never really found myself wanting to do anything quite *that* severe to get back at any of my exes (or false girl friends, for that matter). Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had plenty of angst that just *had* to come out. In fact, some of my best poetry was inspired by such incidents and relationships, some of which is on this blog (I think…). You can *definitely* tell that Alanis Morrisette and Mellissa Etheridge are some of my strongest artistic influences. ๐Ÿ™‚ Even so, I’ve never really gone out of my way to get back at someone who hurt me.

Actually, scratch that. There *was* the time when I called up an ex’s mother and told her all of the awful stuff he did to me, but that wasn’t my finest half hour and I certainly had plenty of fodder. There were also many late nights with my girlfriends making fun of the guy and burning him in effigy (I’m joking; we weren’t allowed candles in the dorm ๐Ÿ˜› ).

I never did anything as severe as screwing with anyone’s car, but I *did* once have to hide mine to keep it from happening to me.

The ex I mention above, whose mom I called, was in a class by himself. When I say ‘class’, I really mean ‘circle of Hell’. ๐Ÿ™‚ This is a guy who would harass any guy who showed interest in me (when we were broken up!) and then swooped in to play the hero when the other guys left me. Anyway, he was in ROTC and had these two guys, I and F, hanging around who were a year behind him and sort of his ‘subordinates’. That’s how he made it sound, anyway-I don’t know how it works in ROTC. The day before I was going to break up with him, I remembered some of the stupid ‘pledge’ or ‘hazing’ things the guys had to do, some of which were pretty destructive. I moved my car all the way across campus because I was afraid that, once I broke up with my ex, he’d have his ‘goons’ key my car and slash my tires.

In retrospect, I feel bad for thinking that. Not for thinking that about my ex, because neither I nor any of my friends had a problem believing he would be capable of something like that. No, I feel bad for thinking that about I and F; these are two decent guys who didn’t deserve to be painted as mindless drones who would even *think* of doing something like that, ‘ordered to’ or not. I’m sure they turned out well. Guys, I’m sorry I called you “goons”, even though you’ll probably never hear of it.

Either way, we’ve all moved on to bigger and better things. I’ve had quite a few more boyfriends, some of whom I still talk to sometimes. Sometimes things just don’t work out, however good the guys are. There’s only *one* more boyfriend who inspired more nasty poetry, but I brought the pain on myself for getting involved with him to begin with. I knew the relationship never should have happened, and I did it anyway. Trust me, I’ve learned my lesson.

Speaking of which, I wonder if Carrie would like any help writing her next hit ‘men are scum’ song? Because I’ve got sheets and sheets of the stuff. I’m not an angry person, but I really enjoyed writing about it all. At least that way, I can put the annoying angsty stuff to good use. ๐Ÿ™‚


Inspiration Courtesy of SNL

In honor of Epiphany, here’s a bit of fun that also contains a bit of truth. I was in church yesterday when I thought of this cartoon, specifically the first part. It’s from a series of Saturday Night Live cartoons called ‘Saturday TV Funhouse’. I’m a pretty big SNL fan, and have been for a long time; this was IMO one of the funnier running sketches. You’ll have to go to the site linked to see it, though, as I’m not able to upload video from that site and I couldn’t find this on YouTube. Enjoy!

Fun With Real Audio-Jesus and Christmas

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Enquiring minds want to know…

Okay, so I used the tagline from one of the worst tabloid rags of my generation. Sue me. ๐Ÿ™‚

I seem to always be asking questions. Whether this is a blessing or a curse, a good thing or bad thing depends on who you ask.ย  I’ve managed to infuriate many a professor or preacher without really meaning to. Anyway, I’m bored and I have a blog and you don’t, so you are going to listen to everything I have to say. ๐Ÿ™‚ Here goes:

-I wonder if cats can be trained to do household chores. Slater likes to ‘knead’ so much, I wonder if he can be trained to do that on our backs on command.ย  Maybe then he’ll actually earn his keep.ย  Yeah, right, and I’m a supermodel. ๐Ÿ™‚

-I wonder if I’m ever going to get my hip fixed, or if I should even try right now. I’ll just have to get the replacement replaced in about 20 years anyway, but that actually isn’t a huge problem.ย  In a sense I really want to but I don’t know if it’s ever going to be a ‘good time’ with money and all that.ย  So I’m afraid to get my hopes up and then have them dashed again.ย  One reason I want it is because I can’t have kids until I do, but to be honest I wonder if that’s even a consideration.ย  I’m not going to explain one of the other reasons…let’s just say I lost a lot of the motion in the left hip, and leave it at that.

-I wonder if I’m ever going to get this song out of my head:

๐Ÿ™‚

-On the tip of #2 , I wonder if the fact that I am 32 and my ‘biological clock’ isn’t ticking at a deafening volume like those of my friends is God’s way of preparing me for not having kids, or telling me that it’s not the best idea.ย  I’m probably overthinking, but I’m concerned about the bipolar causing problems. It’s not so much about passing it on, although that is a very distinct possibility, especially since it’s on my husband’s side of the family too. No, it’s more about not being able to get through the pregnancy without meds or possibly not being a good parent because I’m too busy throwing things at my reflection in the mirror because my husband and I can’t afford our meds and stuff for the kid too.ย  Most of the time I don’t really ‘act mental’…in fact, my brother-in-law says he’d never have guessed that I even *have* bipolar, I seem so even-headed. *laugh* If he only knew…:)ย  Seriously, it doesn’t usually run my life but I can’t plan on that, especially during a pregnancy. We talk about adoption, but I’m not sure that would be much better, or if the state would even *let* me adopt. We shall see.

-I wonder what I’d look like with a shaved head.

-I wonder what I did to deserve such a good husband, or what he did to deserve being saddled to me for life.

-I wonder if I’m ever going to get past this obsession I have with being clean and thinking I have body odor when my husband, friends, mother, and even doctors have been telling me I don’t. Oh well, there are worse things to be obsessed with than bathing, like Italian sausages and celebrity plastic surgery.ย  ๐Ÿ™‚

-I’m still trying to figure out why I should care about things like which actor’s dating who or what perfume the president’s wife’s former roommate is wearing.ย  This is an exaggeration, but not much of one. I guess I should be happy that things are boring enough to where this stuff is all the news networks have to run, but all this reality-tv, celebutaunt stuff is making me wish for better days…like the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky scandal.ย  At least one person involved in that was intelligent, if only for knowing not to inhale.

-I wonder if I am ever going to work full-time again, or bring in a regular income that isn’t from the government.

-I wonder if it’s possible to walk a cat on a leash.

-I wonder what my husband would look like in a tutu.

-I wonder what people from high school and college think about how I turned out, or if I should care.

-I wonder if there’s any correlation in the facts that I have a long line of overweight alcoholics in my family and that we share our name with popular brands of Scotch and shortbread cookies.

-I wonder if I will ever get to where I don’t feel like I have to fill the silence with random stupid crap.

-I wonder if I’ll be alive to see which Nostradamus predictions and Armageddon/End-Times scenarios turn out to be true.

-I’m sure I have some sort of purpose on this planet, but I wonder if I’ll ever figure out what it is.

And, the most important question of all-

-I wonder if I’ll ever figure out that a person with hypoglycemia should take a break to eat before getting involved in a project so that she doesn’t have to suck down yogurt and sweet tea at midnight so she doesn’t feel like the room is spinning.ย  If you notice me getting bitchier as this post goes on, that’s why. Yeah, that’s my story, I’m sticking to it. ๐Ÿ™‚

And on that note…

I’d welcome any answers you have, or further questions…even flame mail would do.ย  I’m still sober, I can take it. ๐Ÿ™‚

And now I am going to shut up for a moment and line the catbox with the previously-mentioned tabloid.ย  I’m not sure what smells worse, the trash in the box or the trash on the pages.ย  Maybe by this time next year I’ll have figured it out. Later!

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A Bunch Of Random Links

Spending obscene amounts of time on the internet and having no life isn’t as easy as it looks. ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s pretty hard work, sorting through all of the insanely funny, random videos to find those worth sharing with your friends. Here are the fruits of this past weekend’s search…

Oh, and, for those who have…what’s the word…jobs, these are not safe for work.

These are from a hidden-camera show from Australia called The Chaser’s War On Everything. If I had my own show, this is what it would be like.

Now, come on, you can’t tell me you’ve never wished you had one of these things!
Pedestrian Rage

I *so* want to write a ticket to my ex-boyfriend for being such a jerk…how much should I fine him? The cost of the therapy sessions? ๐Ÿ™‚
Wanker Number Plates

Actually, maybe I should just have him join this gang, God knows he needs to:
The Bra Boys

And now for something completely different:

For all of us Mac people:

Make an app to scoop the catbox and I’m sold:
There’s an App for anything, literally

There’s an app for what???

There’s a Hack for that

Now you’ll have this stuff in your head all day. You’re welcome. ๐Ÿ™‚


Some of my favorite quotes

I’m a bit bored today and can’t think of anything else to write, so I thought I would share some of my favorite quotes.

“I have three things I’d like to say today. First, while you were sleeping last night, 30,000 kids died of starvation or diseases related to malnutrition. Second, most of you don’t give a shit. What’s worse is that you’re more upset with the fact that I said shit than the fact that 30,000 kids died last night.”ย  – Tony Campolo…author, speaker, activist and Baptist pastor

“You can safely assume that you’ve created God in your own image, when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.” – Ann Lamott

“I once shot a man just to watch him die. Then I got distracted and missed it.” – Kids in the Hall

“There’s probably no One True Church.ย  Now stop worrying and enjoy serving God.”- My friend Veronica Zundel, in response to an advertisement for atheism

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” – Helen Keller

“Dear enemy-may the Lord hate you and all your kind, may you be turned orange in hue, and may your head fall off at an awkward moment.” – Edmund, BlackAdder

“Preach the gospel, always. If necessary, use words.” – St. Francis

“They could build monuments to your self-centeredness.”ย  -‘Wilson’, House

“The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips,ย and walk out the door, and deny Himย by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.” – Brennan Manning

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”ย  – Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.

“You are the son of a clerk, I am the son of a count. I’m not supposed to want to be you.” – The Count of Monte Christo

“What the world needs now is another folk singer, like I need a hole in my head.” – Cracker

“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.ย ย  On the contrary:
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” – Romans 12:17-21

“Go sell crazy someplace else. We’re all stocked up here.” –ย  As Good As It Gets

“And we know that God causes everything to come together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.”ย  – Romans 8:28

“In the essentials, unity; in the non-essentials, liberty; in all things, love.” – St. Augustine

“Every time I come to this city, some guy picks me up at the bus station, takes me to a Leafs game, gets me pissed, and then tries to blow me. Why can’t people like me for me?” – Kids in the Hall

“People who speak in metaphor should shampoo my crotch.” –ย  As Good As It Gets

“Get busy living, or get busy dying’. – The Shawshank Redemption

 


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