Tag Archives: humor

Sweet Revenge?

When I was doing housework this afternoon (yes, it *does* happen :P), I had my iTunes going on in the background. For some reason, lately I always have to have something going on in the background, even if it’s only in my own mind. πŸ™‚ Anyway, the song, “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood came on. I *love* that song, and I’m not normally into country. The chorus got me thinking:

“I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive/ Carved my name into his leather seat/ Took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights/ Slashed a hole in all four tires/ Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats!”

To anyone who hasn’t heard it, it’s basically the anthem to all jilted or ‘scorned’ women anywhere. I’ve certainly found myself in that category on a number of occasions, but I never really found myself wanting to do anything quite *that* severe to get back at any of my exes (or false girl friends, for that matter). Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had plenty of angst that just *had* to come out. In fact, some of my best poetry was inspired by such incidents and relationships, some of which is on this blog (I think…). You can *definitely* tell that Alanis Morrisette and Mellissa Etheridge are some of my strongest artistic influences. πŸ™‚ Even so, I’ve never really gone out of my way to get back at someone who hurt me.

Actually, scratch that. There *was* the time when I called up an ex’s mother and told her all of the awful stuff he did to me, but that wasn’t my finest half hour and I certainly had plenty of fodder. There were also many late nights with my girlfriends making fun of the guy and burning him in effigy (I’m joking; we weren’t allowed candles in the dorm πŸ˜› ).

I never did anything as severe as screwing with anyone’s car, but I *did* once have to hide mine to keep it from happening to me.

The ex I mention above, whose mom I called, was in a class by himself. When I say ‘class’, I really mean ‘circle of Hell’. πŸ™‚ This is a guy who would harass any guy who showed interest in me (when we were broken up!) and then swooped in to play the hero when the other guys left me. Anyway, he was in ROTC and had these two guys, I and F, hanging around who were a year behind him and sort of his ‘subordinates’. That’s how he made it sound, anyway-I don’t know how it works in ROTC. The day before I was going to break up with him, I remembered some of the stupid ‘pledge’ or ‘hazing’ things the guys had to do, some of which were pretty destructive. I moved my car all the way across campus because I was afraid that, once I broke up with my ex, he’d have his ‘goons’ key my car and slash my tires.

In retrospect, I feel bad for thinking that. Not for thinking that about my ex, because neither I nor any of my friends had a problem believing he would be capable of something like that. No, I feel bad for thinking that about I and F; these are two decent guys who didn’t deserve to be painted as mindless drones who would even *think* of doing something like that, ‘ordered to’ or not. I’m sure they turned out well. Guys, I’m sorry I called you “goons”, even though you’ll probably never hear of it.

Either way, we’ve all moved on to bigger and better things. I’ve had quite a few more boyfriends, some of whom I still talk to sometimes. Sometimes things just don’t work out, however good the guys are. There’s only *one* more boyfriend who inspired more nasty poetry, but I brought the pain on myself for getting involved with him to begin with. I knew the relationship never should have happened, and I did it anyway. Trust me, I’ve learned my lesson.

Speaking of which, I wonder if Carrie would like any help writing her next hit ‘men are scum’ song? Because I’ve got sheets and sheets of the stuff. I’m not an angry person, but I really enjoyed writing about it all. At least that way, I can put the annoying angsty stuff to good use. πŸ™‚

Don’t ask…

I put this up on another website I’ve been blogging for called Skirt!. It’s a rap song I wrote for a guy a looooong time ago that I’ve remembered a lot lately for some reason…no idea why, or how I can remember the words to a song I wrote at 16 and never performed but forget the name of someone I met a few minutes ago. Anyway, here it is. Warning…it’s reeaaaallly bad, done that way on purpose for comic effect!

Hey you, over there
Ya know you’re looking mighty fine
With those big green eyes
And that really great behind
Ya know I’d like to date ya
Cause you’re really outta sight
And I’m tellin’ ya now,
I won’t go down without a fight
But you keep puttin’ me off
Won’t give me the time of day
And to you, boy
This is all I gotta say


What’s up with you
What’s goin’ on in your mind
What’s up with you
Ya know, I’d like to take the time
To get to know ya, boy
How ’bout lettin’ me inside?
So what’s up with you
Don’t make wantin’ you a crime
So what’s goin’ on in the back of your mind
I think together, we’d have a real good time
We could wine and dine, and dance ’til dawn
And mow our names into the neighbor’s lawn*
Now that you know how I feel (yeah the whole world knows)
So pick the time, instead of picking your nose
What I’m tryin’ to say is, I want you bad
And I know I can’t rhyme, so cut me some slack
But ya gotta admit, this has been a little fun
And now you can thank God that I’m fine-ly done

(AAAAAARRRRGGH I hate formatting…especially when it screws up when pasting)

We never ended up performing this, which is a good thing…:) Β On the part with the ‘*’, I thought having one person jut in with, “and paint the living room carpet’ completely out of tune, and the rest of us would just look at her funny and then keep going. Β Silly, I know…

Inspiration Courtesy of SNL

In honor of Epiphany, here’s a bit of fun that also contains a bit of truth. I was in church yesterday when I thought of this cartoon, specifically the first part. It’s from a series of Saturday Night Live cartoons called ‘Saturday TV Funhouse’. I’m a pretty big SNL fan, and have been for a long time; this was IMO one of the funnier running sketches. You’ll have to go to the site linked to see it, though, as I’m not able to upload video from that site and I couldn’t find this on YouTube. Enjoy!

Fun With Real Audio-Jesus and Christmas

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Enquiring minds want to know…

Okay, so I used the tagline from one of the worst tabloid rags of my generation. Sue me. πŸ™‚

I seem to always be asking questions. Whether this is a blessing or a curse, a good thing or bad thing depends on who you ask.Β  I’ve managed to infuriate many a professor or preacher without really meaning to. Anyway, I’m bored and I have a blog and you don’t, so you are going to listen to everything I have to say. πŸ™‚ Here goes:

-I wonder if cats can be trained to do household chores. Slater likes to ‘knead’ so much, I wonder if he can be trained to do that on our backs on command.Β  Maybe then he’ll actually earn his keep.Β  Yeah, right, and I’m a supermodel. πŸ™‚

-I wonder if I’m ever going to get my hip fixed, or if I should even try right now. I’ll just have to get the replacement replaced in about 20 years anyway, but that actually isn’t a huge problem.Β  In a sense I really want to but I don’t know if it’s ever going to be a ‘good time’ with money and all that.Β  So I’m afraid to get my hopes up and then have them dashed again.Β  One reason I want it is because I can’t have kids until I do, but to be honest I wonder if that’s even a consideration.Β  I’m not going to explain one of the other reasons…let’s just say I lost a lot of the motion in the left hip, and leave it at that.

-I wonder if I’m ever going to get this song out of my head:


-On the tip of #2 , I wonder if the fact that I am 32 and my ‘biological clock’ isn’t ticking at a deafening volume like those of my friends is God’s way of preparing me for not having kids, or telling me that it’s not the best idea.Β  I’m probably overthinking, but I’m concerned about the bipolar causing problems. It’s not so much about passing it on, although that is a very distinct possibility, especially since it’s on my husband’s side of the family too. No, it’s more about not being able to get through the pregnancy without meds or possibly not being a good parent because I’m too busy throwing things at my reflection in the mirror because my husband and I can’t afford our meds and stuff for the kid too.Β  Most of the time I don’t really ‘act mental’…in fact, my brother-in-law says he’d never have guessed that I even *have* bipolar, I seem so even-headed. *laugh* If he only knew…:)Β  Seriously, it doesn’t usually run my life but I can’t plan on that, especially during a pregnancy. We talk about adoption, but I’m not sure that would be much better, or if the state would even *let* me adopt. We shall see.

-I wonder what I’d look like with a shaved head.

-I wonder what I did to deserve such a good husband, or what he did to deserve being saddled to me for life.

-I wonder if I’m ever going to get past this obsession I have with being clean and thinking I have body odor when my husband, friends, mother, and even doctors have been telling me I don’t. Oh well, there are worse things to be obsessed with than bathing, like Italian sausages and celebrity plastic surgery.Β  πŸ™‚

-I’m still trying to figure out why I should care about things like which actor’s dating who or what perfume the president’s wife’s former roommate is wearing.Β  This is an exaggeration, but not much of one. I guess I should be happy that things are boring enough to where this stuff is all the news networks have to run, but all this reality-tv, celebutaunt stuff is making me wish for better days…like the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky scandal.Β  At least one person involved in that was intelligent, if only for knowing not to inhale.

-I wonder if I am ever going to work full-time again, or bring in a regular income that isn’t from the government.

-I wonder if it’s possible to walk a cat on a leash.

-I wonder what my husband would look like in a tutu.

-I wonder what people from high school and college think about how I turned out, or if I should care.

-I wonder if there’s any correlation in the facts that I have a long line of overweight alcoholics in my family and that we share our name with popular brands of Scotch and shortbread cookies.

-I wonder if I will ever get to where I don’t feel like I have to fill the silence with random stupid crap.

-I wonder if I’ll be alive to see which Nostradamus predictions and Armageddon/End-Times scenarios turn out to be true.

-I’m sure I have some sort of purpose on this planet, but I wonder if I’ll ever figure out what it is.

And, the most important question of all-

-I wonder if I’ll ever figure out that a person with hypoglycemia should take a break to eat before getting involved in a project so that she doesn’t have to suck down yogurt and sweet tea at midnight so she doesn’t feel like the room is spinning.Β  If you notice me getting bitchier as this post goes on, that’s why. Yeah, that’s my story, I’m sticking to it. πŸ™‚

And on that note…

I’d welcome any answers you have, or further questions…even flame mail would do.Β  I’m still sober, I can take it. πŸ™‚

And now I am going to shut up for a moment and line the catbox with the previously-mentioned tabloid.Β  I’m not sure what smells worse, the trash in the box or the trash on the pages.Β  Maybe by this time next year I’ll have figured it out. Later!

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A Bunch Of Random Links

Spending obscene amounts of time on the internet and having no life isn’t as easy as it looks. πŸ™‚ It’s pretty hard work, sorting through all of the insanely funny, random videos to find those worth sharing with your friends. Here are the fruits of this past weekend’s search…

Oh, and, for those who have…what’s the word…jobs, these are not safe for work.

These are from a hidden-camera show from Australia called The Chaser’s War On Everything. If I had my own show, this is what it would be like.

Now, come on, you can’t tell me you’ve never wished you had one of these things!
Pedestrian Rage

I *so* want to write a ticket to my ex-boyfriend for being such a jerk…how much should I fine him? The cost of the therapy sessions? πŸ™‚
Wanker Number Plates

Actually, maybe I should just have him join this gang, God knows he needs to:
The Bra Boys

And now for something completely different:

For all of us Mac people:

Make an app to scoop the catbox and I’m sold:
There’s an App for anything, literally

There’s an app for what???

There’s a Hack for that

Now you’ll have this stuff in your head all day. You’re welcome. πŸ™‚

A Sorry Excuse For a Blog Post

I’m too lazy to write anything that is actually worth reading, so I’m just going to cheat and post some random silly links. To make it up to you, I’ll try my hand at some witty comments, but don’t get your hopes up.

Here goes:

Too bad this didn’t actually work. I’m a pretty good artist, and I could use the money to support my Dr. Pepper habit:
Man Submits Spider Drawing in Place of Payment

Finally, somebody read my mind…
Apathy Demotivator

[insert witty lead-in here]:
The Ducks Are Not Mine

I don’t care what his name is as long as he picks up after that yappy dog:
Mattel Has Lost Their Minds

I guess Flasher Smurf and Crack Dealer Smurf are okay, then…
The 12 Smurf Figures Least Appropriate for Children

Apologies in advance for getting this stuck in your head…
Big Beer Ad

Best. Watergun.Ever.
Ultimate Beer Blaster

And, in conclusion:

My favorite rejected carpooling ad
When you ride alone…

Now back to your regularly scheduled…whatever… πŸ™‚

25 Random Things About Me

You can blame my friend Ross for this one…I got the idea from one of his blog posts!

Here goes:

25 Random things about me.

1. I’m used to people getting my name wrong. Sharon, Shawna, Shane, Sheena…all things I have been called, but none are my name. I’ve even had people see the name before meeting me (profs, etc) and think I was a man! πŸ™‚ No, I’m not going to tell you my name…
2. I’ve never seen the movie Deliverance. I constantly hear people referencing it in conversation (mostly when talking about freaky Southern redneck people or weird Christians), but I still haven’t seen the movie.
3. I once wrote a rap song for a guy. Seriously. I can still recite part of it from memory. And no, I can’t rap my way out of a plastic bag; that was intentional and part of the fun. πŸ™‚
4. The guy I wrote the aforementioned rap song for is now my stepbrother. I guess it’s a good thing I never performed it and nothing really happened between us, huh? πŸ™‚
5. I’m 32. I still get carded, though. πŸ™‚
6. I have kind of a geek-crush on Seth MacFarlane. Stop laughing.
7. I have bipolar disorder. Looking back I think I had traces of it from the time I was eleven, but I did not get treatment for anything until I was 18, and that was for unipolar depression. I was diagnosed the first time with bipolar in 2000, but only began treatment after a second diagnosis in 2004. I will outline the (incredibly stupid) reason for this a little later.
8. I met my husband at a wedding, and the couple who got married also met at a wedding.
9. I once had purple hair. Seriously. Okay, it was burgundy. That’s still purple! πŸ™‚
10. I have no kids, but five cats who think they are kids. Does that count?
11. I can remember stupid, random crap like a conversation I had with my brother when I was 14 or a rap song I wrote for a guy when I was 16, but I can’t remember someone’s name I met ten minutes earlier. I guess I’m getting old. πŸ™‚
12. I can’t stand Star Wars. Well, maybe that’s too strong a statement…there’s just something about having something pushed on you that makes you want to push it back!
13. My oldest nephew’s first word was ‘butthead’. Seriously.
14. One of my cats has allergies. I didn’t even know cats could have that. But then, sometimes she acts like she is from another planet, and so this kind of weird stuff shouldn’t surprise me.
15. I hate beer.
16. Slater, get off the counter. Don’t give me any of that ‘meow’ stuff. Just do it!
17. My butt itches.
18. I’ve never been drunk. Yes, really. My sisters tried to get me drunk once when we were in Key West on a cruise, but it didn’t work. I drank them both under the table and then had to help *them* back to the boat! My dad still likes telling that story.
19. I didn’t originally get treatment for bipolar because I was dating a guy whose family believed that all you had to do to be healed from whatever illness you have by having enough faith and ‘believing right’ for it. I wouldn’t normally give this the time of day, but at that point I was ready to try anything. Short version, I tried it their way for a while and thought it worked, but it didn’t, and I got grief for going back on meds. How lovely (heavy sarcasm). Because of that, ‘name it, claim it’ and anything related gives a bad taste in my mouth. Anytime I hear that stuff, I want to throw something wet and squishy at whoever or whatever is saying it. I’m just lucky I haven’t gotten arrested yet. πŸ™‚
20. I will get a song in my head and it will stay in my head until I hear something else to replace it. Right now I have the song from one of the ‘Free Credit Report.com’ commercials floating around. AAAARRGGH! Quick, somebody sing something else!
21. I feel like I used to be much sharper and more intelligent before all the bipolar stuff set on. I say ‘before the bipolar’ because I’ve looked back and seen that I wasn’t that way until then. I have a hard time paying attention and thus learning things, and so it makes me feel and look like a total idiot. I have gotten fired from more than one job because of this.
22. I once got bitten by a dog and hit by a car in the same month. Really. I still have the scars. The nurse who cleaned me up before going to the ER after being hit was the same one who had given me one of my rabies shots a few hours before! I wasn’t allowed to leave my dorm room for the next two days without ‘supervision’ as a result. πŸ™‚
23. I used to be so shy I could barely talk to people. It’s funny how no one I meet now ever believes me when I say this.
24. I have an ex I wish I could forget. But then, don’t we all?
25. I hated Kill Bill, Vol. 1. I never saw Vol. 2.

Okay, that’s about enough of that. I’d better go get something to eat before I pass out. Later on!

Oh, and, brain bleach is available in the front lobby for anyone who needs it. πŸ™‚

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Lady, mum, lawyer, philanthropist, social activist, author, mental health advocate, psychotherapist... inspires & motivates with personal experiences