Tag Archives: lyrics

The Darkness Within

Forgive me for the randomness and rambling, but I’m in a strange mood I can’t seem to shake.  …not even with ridiculous Bell Biv DeVoe songs, so you *know* must be bad. ๐Ÿ™‚

There have been a lot of really messy things in my life, things I can’t always explain. It’s been easy compared to others, but sometimes I feel as though my own heart, my own mind is taking revenge on me. I know it could be worse, but sometimes it is hard for me to see that.

I have an illness-bipolar disorder-that can make me feel as though there were something else inside of me, controlling my thoughts and actions. I do not want this thing to define me or rule my life, but there are times when I can’t really do anything else.  An ex once told me it was a “demon” or “spirit” that needed to be cast out, which I will explain in another blog post. I would normally say he’s full of shit, and I still think he is, but the truth is that it can sometimes feel as though he is right.  He might have meant well but the truth is that he doesn’t understand this, and probably never will. I don’t fault him or anyone else for that, especially considering the fact that sometimes I don’t understand it either. I can read all the self-help books in the world, can spend hours in prayer, do all the things that work for everyone else but for whatever reason, it doesn’t always help.  I’m not saying these things are useless by any means, but they are not the “cures” they are for other people. Again, I don’t want it to define me but I can’t think of any other reason. I’ve had some form of depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember, but I thought it was just normal pubescent angst or a weakness on my part.  As positive and friendly as I usually am, medication has been my saving grace. Surely there is some reason God is allowing me to have all this-in fact, I know there is -but damned if I can figure out what it is sometimes. People give me advice, and I appreciate their concern. There are just some things that people-however well meaning they might be-simply won’t understand until they have been there themselves.

Sometimes, though, I hear something that speaks to me…that tells me, this person knows what’s in my head. This person has ‘been there’…

I love Nine Inch Nails* for this very reason…listening to Trent Reznor and people like him can be very cathartic. Anyone who writes like this just knows:

Hurt*

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real

The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

 

So I don’t run afoul of any copyright laws, you can hear and read the rest here: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/johnnycash/hurt.html

And as if that wasn’t dark enough:

Something I Can Never Have

 

I still recall the taste of your tears.
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.

[Chorus:]
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I’m down to just one thing.
And I’m starting to scare myself.
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have

Again, copyright: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/nineinchnails/somethingicanneverhave.html

I’m not quite as dramatic as all that, but it is a strange comfort to me to have this sort of thing to refer to,  if only for inspiration for my own (crappy) writing.

*This is the Johnny Cash cover; his voice just fits so well.


Sweet Revenge?

When I was doing housework this afternoon (yes, it *does* happen :P), I had my iTunes going on in the background. For some reason, lately I always have to have something going on in the background, even if it’s only in my own mind. ๐Ÿ™‚ Anyway, the song, “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood came on. I *love* that song, and I’m not normally into country. The chorus got me thinking:

“I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive/ Carved my name into his leather seat/ Took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights/ Slashed a hole in all four tires/ Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats!”

To anyone who hasn’t heard it, it’s basically the anthem to all jilted or ‘scorned’ women anywhere. I’ve certainly found myself in that category on a number of occasions, but I never really found myself wanting to do anything quite *that* severe to get back at any of my exes (or false girl friends, for that matter). Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had plenty of angst that just *had* to come out. In fact, some of my best poetry was inspired by such incidents and relationships, some of which is on this blog (I think…). You can *definitely* tell that Alanis Morrisette and Mellissa Etheridge are some of my strongest artistic influences. ๐Ÿ™‚ Even so, I’ve never really gone out of my way to get back at someone who hurt me.

Actually, scratch that. There *was* the time when I called up an ex’s mother and told her all of the awful stuff he did to me, but that wasn’t my finest half hour and I certainly had plenty of fodder. There were also many late nights with my girlfriends making fun of the guy and burning him in effigy (I’m joking; we weren’t allowed candles in the dorm ๐Ÿ˜› ).

I never did anything as severe as screwing with anyone’s car, but I *did* once have to hide mine to keep it from happening to me.

The ex I mention above, whose mom I called, was in a class by himself. When I say ‘class’, I really mean ‘circle of Hell’. ๐Ÿ™‚ This is a guy who would harass any guy who showed interest in me (when we were broken up!) and then swooped in to play the hero when the other guys left me. Anyway, he was in ROTC and had these two guys, I and F, hanging around who were a year behind him and sort of his ‘subordinates’. That’s how he made it sound, anyway-I don’t know how it works in ROTC. The day before I was going to break up with him, I remembered some of the stupid ‘pledge’ or ‘hazing’ things the guys had to do, some of which were pretty destructive. I moved my car all the way across campus because I was afraid that, once I broke up with my ex, he’d have his ‘goons’ key my car and slash my tires.

In retrospect, I feel bad for thinking that. Not for thinking that about my ex, because neither I nor any of my friends had a problem believing he would be capable of something like that. No, I feel bad for thinking that about I and F; these are two decent guys who didn’t deserve to be painted as mindless drones who would even *think* of doing something like that, ‘ordered to’ or not. I’m sure they turned out well. Guys, I’m sorry I called you “goons”, even though you’ll probably never hear of it.

Either way, we’ve all moved on to bigger and better things. I’ve had quite a few more boyfriends, some of whom I still talk to sometimes. Sometimes things just don’t work out, however good the guys are. There’s only *one* more boyfriend who inspired more nasty poetry, but I brought the pain on myself for getting involved with him to begin with. I knew the relationship never should have happened, and I did it anyway. Trust me, I’ve learned my lesson.

Speaking of which, I wonder if Carrie would like any help writing her next hit ‘men are scum’ song? Because I’ve got sheets and sheets of the stuff. I’m not an angry person, but I really enjoyed writing about it all. At least that way, I can put the annoying angsty stuff to good use. ๐Ÿ™‚


Don’t ask…

I put this up on another website I’ve been blogging for called Skirt!. It’s a rap song I wrote for a guy a looooong time ago that I’ve remembered a lot lately for some reason…no idea why, or how I can remember the words to a song I wrote at 16 and never performed but forget the name of someone I met a few minutes ago. Anyway, here it is. Warning…it’s reeaaaallly bad, done that way on purpose for comic effect!

Hey you, over there
Ya know you’re looking mighty fine
With those big green eyes
And that really great behind
Ya know I’d like to date ya
Cause you’re really outta sight
And I’m tellin’ ya now,
I won’t go down without a fight
But you keep puttin’ me off
Won’t give me the time of day
And to you, boy
This is all I gotta say

(chorus)

What’s up with you
What’s goin’ on in your mind
What’s up with you
Ya know, I’d like to take the time
To get to know ya, boy
How ’bout lettin’ me inside?
So what’s up with you
Don’t make wantin’ you a crime
So what’s goin’ on in the back of your mind
I think together, we’d have a real good time
We could wine and dine, and dance ’til dawn
And mow our names into the neighbor’s lawn*
(Chorus)
Now that you know how I feel (yeah the whole world knows)
So pick the time, instead of picking your nose
What I’m tryin’ to say is, I want you bad
And I know I can’t rhyme, so cut me some slack
But ya gotta admit, this has been a little fun
And now you can thank God that I’m fine-ly done

(AAAAAARRRRGGH I hate formatting…especially when it screws up when pasting)

We never ended up performing this, which is a good thing…:) ย On the part with the ‘*’, I thought having one person jut in with, “and paint the living room carpet’ completely out of tune, and the rest of us would just look at her funny and then keep going. ย Silly, I know…


Untitled, written 12/98

(In my defense, I wrote this after hearing something stupid my ex said about me and listening to a lot of Alanis Morrissette.)

I thought you were so perfect
I thought that you’d be mine
How could I be so stupid?
How could I be so blind?

You made me think you wanted me
You even said you cared
I trusted you with everything
I laid my whole heart bare

But what was I to you?
Another page you turned?
As I’m left to throw my dreams away
And watch my teardrops burn?

I’ll never fall in love again
I can’t afford the pain
My heart can’t take the damage
My soul can’t bear the stain

My soul, it died the day you left
My heart, it hit the floor
But you’re still in my dreams at night
You leave me wanting more

I’ve given you my world, my honor
My dreams I dearly prize
How could I throw that all away
For something in your eyes?

But what was I to you?
Another body, another thrill?
Oh what does it matter now
It’s just my soul you killed

(Refrain)

You’ve left me here with nothing
But one lesson, drowned in tears
Because of you, I’ll never trust
But forever live in fear


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